Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

others, you can see why they haven’t developed a sense of competence by observing their parents, who are worried, anxious, overly protective, and intrusive. These parents don’t allow their children to experience opportunities for competence either out of a lack of recognition of theirimportance or because it’s just easier for the parents to do it themselves. They intercede at the first hint of difficulty, seemingly worried that struggles and possible failure will hurt their children’s self-esteem. These parents also see danger everywhere and communicate that message to their children. They don’t allow their children to take even benign risks and hover over their children to swoop in at the first sign of potential harm or distress. These parents are, of course, well intentioned and believe they are doing what is best for their children. Is there any more powerful instinct for parents than to protect their children from harm? But they are unwittingly sending messages that “You can’t do that” and meta-messages that “You are not competent” to their children that will undermine their children’s sense of competence as they progress through life.
    Though almost all children will undoubtedly gain mastery over the basics of their world, only those who develop a strong and resilient sense of competence will truly gain dominion over their lives. The early messages that you send about your children’s competence will play a vital role in its development.
CATCHPHRASES FOR COMPETENCE
     
    Catie came up with our catchphrase for competence when she was only two and a half. She was walking unassisted along a three-foot-high stone wall in our front yard (with me spotting her) and when she got to the end, she yelled “I did it!” with great enthusiasm and pride. And the catch-phrase stuck. To this day, whenever Catie or Gracie accomplishes something, they yell “I did it!” Sarah and I have latched onto it, too; when the girls do something well, we say “You did it!”
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    CATCHPHRASES FOR COMPETENCE
     
“I did it!”
“Try bird, fly bird!”
“Yes, you can!”
“Thumbs up!”
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    Debi, the mother of four-year-old Ethan, knew she was risk averse and saw how it had hurt her growing up. She was determined not to send that message to Ethan. Once when Ethan was about two years old, they saw a mother bird in a field with her baby trying to fly. At first, the baby bird would flap its wings and would just barely get off the ground, at which point its mother chirped incessantly, which Debi translated for Ethan to mean “Keep trying, you can fly, I know you can!” With each attempt, the baby bird rose higher and higher until, after much effort, it soared high and far on its maiden flight. The baby bird landed near its mom, and insofar as a bird can, gushed with pride and chirped with excitement. At that moment, Debi’s catchphrase for competence dawned on her: “Try bird, fly bird.” To this day, any time Ethan is reluctant to try something or Debi feels hesitant about something he wants to try, she says “Try bird, fly bird!” Ethan gives a big grin, and he, like that baby bird, takes off.
    Mark, the father of two boys and a girl, wanted his children to fear nothing (within reason, of course). He was inspired by President Obama’s attitude and successful run to the White House. So using our president as his inspiration, Mark made his family’s catchphrase for competence a modified version of President Obama’s campaign slogan, “Yes, we can!” When his kids were trying something for the first time, he would declare “Yes, you can!” And before any new challenge, he or his wife would also ask their children “Can you do it?” and they would say “Yes, I can!”
    As I mentioned in my last chapter, catchphrases don’t have to be just words. They can be physical movements, too (catchmoves?). At one point some time ago when Catie accomplished something, I spontaneously gave her a “thumbs-up.” She loved that and now when she or Gracie do something, I either flash them the thumbs-up or I combine it with saying “Thumbs up!” with enthusiasm. In doing so, I send them a message praising their competence through three conduits: the physical action of the thumbs-up, my saying “Thumbs up!”, and the emotional tone of my saying the catchphrase.And now when I ask them how something is, they often don’t say anything, they just flash me the thumbs-up. Catie and Gracie have even created a rating