A Blink of the Screen

anyway?’
    ANNOIA, OR PARANOIA INVERSA
    The belief that you are out to get everyone. This is extremely rare amongst people who are not Dark Lords or similar, since those that by profession are indeed ‘out to get everyone’ do not count. However, Mrs Everita Pewter, of Dolly Sisters, did visit her doctor complaining of feelings that she was oppressing people, spying on them , reading their mail, picking up their thoughts via strange waves, and so on.
    After extensive tests at Unseen University’s Department of Invasive Medicine, it was found that Mrs Pewter had in fact been born as one of
Them
but had never been taught to use her powers. The
Them
is the secret, unknown, but certainly suspected organization of people whose job it is to interfere with everybody else, ruin their lives, and, in short, mess up the world and then go home laughing. She sought advice about declaring herself as one of
Them
, but once it was explained to her that doing so would involve wearing hooded black robes, conducting secret meetings in vast underground caverns, and manipulating the destiny of millions on a twenty-four-hour basis, possibly while fondling a fluffy white cat, she realized that this would mean missing bridge club on Wednesdays; and since in any case cats gave Mrs Pewter hay fever, she opted instead for a decoction of willow bark for whenever the voices in her head got too bad.
    PLANETS
    An ailment peculiar to people working in conditions of stress in high magical environments. This can sometimes cause a breakdown in the inhibitory circuits which prevent every individual’s belief that he or she is the centre of the universe from being broadcast to the universe at large. The usual result is that small imaginary planets will appear and begin to orbit the sufferer’s head. Strictly speaking the whole universe will eventually begin to orbit them as well, but the effect is so slight that it is in practice restricted to small items within a few feet.
    History records that the wizard Roraty Williams suffered from chronic planets for several years, and one of them developed quite an advanced civilization which sent a small fleet of flying ships to colonize his head. A helpful and caring man, for some years he never wore a hat.
    SCROOPISM
    Many people know about Thomas Bowdler, who published an edition of Shakespeare’s works with all the offensive bits cut out. Few remember Male Infant Scroop, who had an overwhelming urge to add rude bits to books and songs not originally intended to contain any. This began at quite a young age, with the scrawling of words like ‘nikkers’ and ‘bum’ in the margins of his schoolbooks (his problem was exacerbated by a lifelong inability to spell) but, after he received a large legacy at the age of 21, he was able to reprint entire books that had been ‘scrooped’. These were substituted for the publisher’s copies, which they otherwise resembled in every respect, when bookshop staff were not looking.
    For several months the only result was a noticeable upsurge in the sales of several titles. Things came to a head, however, when a Miss Epetheme Slaybell’s small, privately published volume entitled
Thoughts from a Country Garden
won several highly contested literary awards, and was praised by a judge for its ‘bold and controversial stance on the subject of primroses’.
    Mr Scroop died aged 84, and is buried in Small Gods Cemetery, Ankh-Morpork. His tombstone, including the inscription, may be inspected by private arrangement with the head gravedigger, since in deference to public opinion it is kept wrapped in plain brown paper.
    SIGNITUS
    A minor but chronic ailment, which causes the sufferer to groan and sometimes run away at the sight of anyone holding more than three books. Brandy has been found to relieve the symptoms, possibly with the addition of more brandy.
    BURSARITIS (CHRONIC CON-TINENCE)
    The illusion that you have brought hundreds of people a long way in order to celebrate something that doesn’t really exist. Symptoms are manic-depression, a fixed waxy smile, and a tendency, unless physically prevented from doing so, to sell T-shirts at people. Those afflicted may shout things like ‘Only 1,978 mugs to sell before we break even!’ WARNING: sufferers may spontaneously combust if woken suddenly from their trance-like state, and it is best to humour them until they wake up of their own accord. Be kind to these people. It is not their fault.
    These notes were supplied