A Blink of the Screen

complicated reasons to do with money and copyright, although I think a version did end up on-line. Some people are such scallywags …
    The anthem of the sprawling mercantile city state of Ankh-Morpork was not even written by one of its sons, but by a visitor – the vampire Count Henrik Shline von Überwald (born 1703, died 1782, died again 1784, and also in 1788, 1791, 1802/4/7/8, also 1821, 1830, 1861, staked 1872). He had taken a long holiday to get away from some people who wanted earnestly to talk to him about cutting his head off, and declared himself very impressed at the city’s policy of keeping the peace by bribery, financial corruption, and ultimately by making unbeatable offers for the opponents’ weapons, most of which had been made in Ankh-Morpork in the first place.
    The anthem, known affectionately as ‘We can rule you wholesale’, is the only one that formally has a second verse consisting mainly of embarrassed mumbling.
    The Count, who visited many countries in the course of his travels, noted that all real patriots can never remember more than one verse of their anthem, and get through the subsequent verses by going ‘ner hner ner’ until they reach an outcrop of words they recognize, which they sing very boldly to give the impression that they really had been singing all the other words as well but had been drowned out by the people around them.
    In classical renditions, the singing is normally led by a large soprano wearing a sheet and carrying the flame of something or other and holding a large fork.
    When dragons belch and hippos flee
    My thoughts, Ankh-Morpork, are of thee
    Let others boast of martial dash
    For we have boldly fought with cash
    We own all your helmets, we own all your shoes
    We own all your generals – touch us and you’ll lose
    Morporkia! Morporkia!
    Morporkia owns the day!
    We can rule you wholesale
    Touch us and you’ll pay
    We bankrupt all invaders, we sell them souvenirs
    We ner ner ner ner ner, hner ner hner by the ears
    Er hner we sing ner ner ner ner
    Ner ner her ner ner ner hner the ner
    Er ner ner hner ner, nher hner ner ner
    Ner hner ner, your gleaming swords
    We mortaged to the hilt
    Morporkia! Morporkia!
    Hner ner ner ner ner ner
    We can rule you wholesale
    Credit where it’s due.

MEDICAL NOTES

    N AC M AC P ROGRAMME B OOK
, D ISCWORLD C ONVENTION , A UGUST 2002
    What can I say? Various conventions ask for stuff like this as part of the whole business: it’s part of how the whole thing works, and usually they get it, and occasionally – possibly – it’s good
.
    FROM
HOUSEHOLD MEDICINE, HAIR CARE, AND SIMPLE SURGERY
, PUBLISHED BY THE ANKH-MORPORK GUILD OF BARBER-SURGEONS, AM$2
    Discworld, while hosting a large number of well-known plagues and other ailments, also boasts – if that is the word – a number of medical conditions of its own. In Ankh-Morpork in particular, population pressure has helped create a whole range of completely original yet curiously familiar complaints, such as:
    ATTENTION SURPLUS SYNDROME
    Teachers find this just as bad as the other sort. No one likes a child who pays attention too hard, whose eyes follow your every move, and who listens very carefully to everything you say. It’s like talking to a great big bottomless ear.
    Advanced cases correct spelling and pronunciation in a clear piping voice, and point out errors of fact to the rest of the class. They also have the infuriating habit of reading all the way to the end of the classroom reader on the first day of term, instead of having the decency to read at the geological speed considered correct for the rest of their age group. Expel at the earliest opportunity.
    FLORABUNDI’S SYNDROME
    Erratic and uncontrollable attacks of politeness and good manners. This may not at first sight appear to be an affliction at all, but can be deadly if you are a fish porter, a prisoner, a trooper, or a member of some other profession where incivility is bloody well expected. So called after Sergeant-Major Charles ‘Blossom’ Florabundi, who in times of stress lost control of his vocabulary and, for example, refused to fire on any enemy that he hadn’t been introduced to. He was pensioned off when the entire barracks mutinied after being called ‘you quite vexing gentlemen’. As Corporal Harry ‘Sharpey’ Pointer said afterwards, ‘No one minds being called a “—ing —er of a —ing ——”, but that sounded like he —ing meant it! What does —ing “vexing” mean,