A Body to die for

of confusion, I wondered if Syd had learned to talk. Then someone strong was pinning my arm—with the knife—behind my back. I felt (and heard) my shoulder pop out of the socket. A wallop of agony blinded me. I’m not ashamed to admit I screamed like a girl. The knife fell out of my hand and clunked on the floor. Max leapt to his feet. In a moment I was free. I fell from my chair in pain, just missing sitting down on the knife. Through the stars in my eyes, I looked at my assailant. It was Leeza, the shoulder mashing, aerobicized exgirlfriend.
    Dim though she may be, she could tell she fucked up. “From where I was standing in the bedroom doorway, it looked like you were going to stab him,” Leeza whined. “God, I’m so sorry.”
    Max helped me to my feet. Before I could demand that he get me to a hospital, he gripped my back and slammed my shoulder against the palm of his hand. My knees collapsed and he had to hold me up. He tried popping the bone back in again. The stars in my eyes had become whole planets. On Max’s third try, my shoulder popped back in. It felt better immediately.
    “You’ll be all right,” Max said. “A couple of aspirins and you’ll be better by morning.”
    I bit back the last remnants of pain. I looked up at my attacker. I said, “Just give me a bullet to bite and I’ll be fine.” She wore a T-shirt and cotton underwear with little yellow duckies on them. Her tummy was flatter than an iron. Her legs looked well-depilitated. To Max I said, “Leeza just came out of our bedroom, honey.”

Jack in the Box

    Leeza covered her semi-naked body with her skinny white arms. “You had me scared to death,” she said. “I thought you were trying to kill him.”
    “You were just a bit premature,” Max said for me.
    Leeza’s baby blue eyes glanced from Max to me and back again as if she couldn’t remember what she’d just seen. It reminded me of goldfish—they’re so dumb that they can’t retain a memory for longer than three seconds. That’s why one shouldn’t feel sorry for fish in tanks. Each swim through a plastic skull is like their very first time (I picked this up on the Learning Channel).
    “You don’t think that Max and me...” Leeza said aghast in my direction. “Nothing happened, Wanda. I swear. I got sick at the restaurant. Max said it was all right.”
    I turned to Max. He said, “You don’t trust me at all, do you?”
    “I guess I was right,” I said to Max. “That makes me feel an iota of happiness underneath this mountain of anguish and betrayal.” I sighed. “Being right all the time is such a burden.”
    “I don’t know how you stand the strain,” Max responded.
    Leeza fidgeted. “I think I better put some clothes on.” She pranced through the kitchen and living room toward the bedroom—her butt didn’t jiggle once. Then she stopped and said as an afterthought, “Max didn’t see me naked at all tonight.”
    “Comforting,” I said as she disappeared in the bedroom.
    Alone again, Max gathered me in his arms and kissed me, his lips like lightning bugs buzzing along my neck and collarbone. I could tell he was hot. For one thing, he was denting my leg. He also made tiny chirp sounds that remind me of birds. He breathed in my ear, “Nothing turns me on more than your trusting heart and understanding nature.”
    “Spare me a tire,” I said and pushed him away.
    I picked up the knife. Little black cat hairs clung to the red smears. I placed the weapon back in the towel for a closer inspection when I could see straight. I turned to Max and belted him one across the kisser. He recoiled from the force of my blow. “You cheating bastard,” I said, to the point.
    Max recovered quickly. I’d left an angry red mark on his chin. It looked like it hurt. I felt a twinge of pity. Max said, “She ate a bad oyster. She got sick. I never even went into the fucking bedroom after she did— I’ve been pacing between your unpacked boxes for the last five hours waiting for you to get home.”
    “How come the lights were off when I came in?”
    “I didn’t want the light to bother Leeza.” The living room light did filter into the bedroom. I wasn’t convinced.
    I asked, “Why was she eating oysters?”
    “You’ll have to ask her—she ordered them.”
    “Because she wanted to get revved up to seduce you.”
    Max said, “I guess that would explain why she also ordered Spanish fly, rare steak, peaches with cream and figs for dessert.” I could