A Darkness in My Soul

thriddle-thriddle rattling interjection was, he found, the sound of voice tapes changing somewhere inside his mother's head. He searched for his own voice tapes. There were none.
        
        GO ON, GO ON!
        
        And he looked up out of swaddling clothes when he esped an understanding and… and…
        
        IF YOU HESITATE, YOU WILL BE LOST.
        
        I don't remember it after that.
        
        YOU DO.
        
        No!
        Yes. YESYESYES. The machine touched part of my mind with blue fingers. Dazzling clouds of neon gas exploded inside my head. I CAN MAKE THE MEMORY
        
        EVEN SHARPER.
        
        No! I'll tell it.
        
        TELL.
        
        And he looked up out of swaddling clothes when he esped an understanding, and his first words were… were
        
        FINISH IT!
        
        His first words were: "My God, my God, I'm not human!"
        FINE. NOW RELAX AND LISTEN. My electronic David sorted through the miasma of our conversation and interpreted my dreams for me. There wasn't any simple harp music to accompany his readings, though. YOU
        
        KNOW THAT THE "HE" IS REALLY YOU. YOU
        ARE SIMEON KELLY. THE HE OF YOUR ILLUSION IS ALSO SIMEON KELLY. YOUR PROBLEM IS
        THIS: YOU ARE OF THE ARTIFICIAL WOMB. YOU
        WERE CONDITIONED FROM CONCEPTION TO
        HAVE HUMAN MORES AND VALUES. BUT YOU
        CANNOT HOLD YOUR MANNER OF CREATION UP
        TO THE LIGHT ALONGSIDE YOUR MORES AND
        THEN MANAGE TO ACCEPT BOTH.
        YOU ARE HUMAN. BUT YOUR MORES TEACH
        YOU TO FEEL THAT YOU ARE STRANGELY
        LACKING IN HUMAN QUALITIES.
        
        Thank you. I am cured now and I must leave.
        NO. The thunderstorms were firm in their denial.
        THIS IS THE THIRTY-THIRD TIME YOU HAVE HAD THIS SAME ILLUSION-NIGHTMARE. YOU ARE NOT HEALED. AND THIS TIME I FEEL MORE BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE DREAM, AN ARRAY OF FRAGMENTED TERRORS WHICH SHOULD NOT BE THERE. TELL ME.
        
        There is no more.
        TELL ME. The bonds on the chair were tight around nay arms and legs. The headrest seemed to suck out the contents of my head.
        Nothing.
        
        A WOMAN. THERE IS A FEMININE SPECTER IN
        THOSE TERRORS. WHO IS SHE? SIMEON, WHO IS
        SHE?
        
        An author I have read.
        
        AND MET. TELL ME MORE.
        
        Blonde. Green eyes. Full lips likeSOMETHING MORE.
        Full lips.
        
        NO. SOMETHING ELSE.
        
        Let me the hell alone!
        TELL ME. It was the voice of a king. The kind who will not have your head lopped off, but who will decapitate you with words and shame.
        Breasts. Big breasts that I- That II KNOW YOUR PROBLEM. I CAN SEE, FROM
        
        YOUR CONDITION, THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF
        IN LOVE WITH HER.
        
        No! That's disgusting!
        
        YES. DENIAL DOES NOTHING TO CHANGE REALITY. REFUSAL TO ACCEPT DOES NOTHING
        MORE THAN MAKE EVENTUAL ACCEPTANCE
        MORE DIFFICULT. YOU LOVE THIS WOMAN. YET
        YOU HAVE THIS COMPLEX WHICH ELUDES ME IN
        ITS ENTIRETY. SIMEON, DO YOU REMEMBER THE
        SIMULATED FLESH BREASTS?
        
        I remember.
        
        THOSE ARTIFICIAL BREASTS HAVE COME TO
        SYMBOLIZE YOUR INHUMANITY TO YOU. YOU
        WERE NOT SUCKLED LIKE A MANCHILD, AND
        THE LOSS OF THAT HAS DONE STRANGE THINGS
        
        TO YOU. YOU ARE AFRAID OF WOMEN, OFNo. I'm not afraid of women. She was just disgusting.
        You would have had to see her to understand. All this spoken reasonably, calmly.
        
        NO. YOU WERE NOT DISGUSTED. YOU ARE
        AFRAID, BUT NEVER DISGUSTED. YOU BACK
        AWAY FROM EVERYTHING WHICH YOU DO NOT
        UNDERSTAND IN THIS LIFE. THIS WOMAN IS
        BUT ONE PART OF THAT. YOU BACK AWAY BECAUSE YOU CANNOT SEE WHERE YOUR PLACE
        AND PURPOSE COULD LIE IN IT ALL. YOU SEE
        NO MEANING IN LIFE AND YOU ARE AFRAID TO
        SEARCH FOR ONE, FEARING YOU WILL EVENTUALLY DISCOVER THERE IS NO MEANING.
        THAT IS WHY YOU SPEND SO MUCH, LIVE FASTER
        THAN YOU SHOULD.
        
        May I go?
        
        YES. GO AND DREAM NO MORE OF PROTEUS
        MOTHER. YOU WILL DREAM NO MORE. NO
        MORE… NO… MORE…
        
        It spat me into the room.
        After every