A Farewell to Yarns

plumpish man with thinning dull brown hair and oversized tortoiseshell bifocals that made his receding chin appear almost nonexistent. Fiona had taken his arm in an oddly protective gesture and was gazing at him as if he’d just spoken words of enormous import.
    “We’ve met before, I think,“ Jane said. “I substituted for Mary Ebert in the church choir one morning. You were there.”
    Albert stared at her for a minute, recognition dawning, then started to laugh. ‘Oh, yes! The director ended up asking you if you’d just hum.“
    “I didn’t expect you to remember the occasion in detail!“ Jane said. “My enthusiasm for music slightly exceeds my talents.“
    “Jane—?“ Shelley said with a meaningful glance at her watch.
     
    “Odd, aren’t they?“ Shelley said as they pulled out of the driveway moment alter.
    “You’re a mind reader,“ Jane said, smiling. “I had no idea he was Albert Howard. I see him in the church choir, but I never connected him with Fiona. How could she have married him?“
    “He’s a very nice man, I hear from people who know him. Very soft-spoken and witty.“
    “Yes, but married to Richie Divine’s widow? I mean—Richie Divine was so—“
    “Sexy?“ Shelley asked.
    “Slim, young, blond, talented, gorgeous, famous, rich. I was going to say. But I guess sexy sums it up. Was he really, Shelley, or were our hormones just at fever pitch when we were young and he was alive?“
    “There’s evidence against it,“ Shelley said, craning her neck around to peer at traffic behind her. She changed lanes in such a way as to nearly cause a beer truck to run onto the shoulder.
    “What evidence?“
    “Well, there’s the fact that my mother and her friends thought he was wonderful, and none of them were much given to admiring young men. Mostly their impulse was to bat them around the ears for impertinence. Then, too, there’s that old movie he was in—I saw it on the late show a month or so ago and found my tongue hanging out.“
    “Can you imagine slobbering over Albert Howard after having been married to Richie Divine?“
    “No, but apparently Fiona can. You’re sounding like the press. Remember the flap when it was revealed that Richie’d been married—?“
    “Of course! Who could forget? Every girl in America thought she’d been personally jilted.”
    “And then the reporters just about crucified Fiona when she remarried. As if it was really anybody’s business.“
    “I’d forgotten that, but I can see why. It’s sort of like an ex-president running for county dogcatcher.”
    They were silent for a few moments, then Jane spoke again. “It makes me sad. If I’d been married to Richie Divine, I’d have never considered remarriage.“
    “Stay a widow, forever worshipping at the shrine? Is that how you feel about your husband?“
    “Lord, no! But Steve was hardly Richie Divine.“
    “Maybe Richie Divine wasn’t either.”
    “What in the world does that mean?“
    “I’m not sure,“ Shelley said. “It’s just that he might not have been so ‘divine’ to live with. To be young and idolized might have made him an egotistical bastard at home. It would have been odd if it didn’t. And it can’t be fun living in the glare of public scrutiny—bodyguards everywhere, not being able to just run to the mall and shop or do anything like a normal person. You remember last year when Paul had that convention of his franchisers?“
    “Yes?“
    “Well, I got a little taste of very minor celebrity at the convention. Everybody was either toadying to me or resenting me because I was the boss’s wife. It was creepy. I can see how Fiona’s glad to be out of it.“
    “I guess so, but why pick somebody like Albert Howard, the ultimate nerd?“
    “Maybe he’s terrific in bed,“ Shelley speculated.
    “Hmmmm—“ Jane was sorry the subject had come up. Her imagination in such matters, after nearly a year of widowhood and celibacy, was beginning to revive like a desert plant suddenly watered.
    “Forget hormones,“ Shelley advised. “Let’s figure out how to get rid of your houseguests.”
     

Six
     
    It was too short a ride to come up with any clear plan. They discussed and discarded murder, arson, bribery, rumors of epidemic, and outright rudeness. Shelley dropped Jane at the sidewalk and tore off to fulfill her school obligation.
    Jane had just gotten in the house when the Jaguar was delivered. Jane was amazed at the way things worked for Phyllis.