A Man Named Dave

in my warped world. As much as every fiber of my being craved to be with her, the only way to keep her as a close friend, I thought, was to set her free.
    After sitting outside, stirring our coffees that had grown cold in silence, Marsha tossed her hair and asked, “Dave, is it me? Did I get too close?”
    With tears beginning to build, I shook my head. “No, it’s not you. It’s just, it’s me,” I stammered before swallowing hard. “I don’t want to hurt you, that’s all.”
    Reaching out to hold my hand, Marsha probed, “What is it, Dave? What are you so afraid of?”
    I clamped my eyes shut. The pressure inside of me was too much for me to hold in any longer. “You!” I fired back. “I’m scared to death of you! I can’t, I can’t even look at you! I can’t do it. I mean, you’re too good, too good for me.” Marsha sat back in her chair, dumbstruck. “For God’s sake, look at you. You’re perfect, a china doll. You’re drop-dead gorgeous! You don’t lie, cheat, or steal. You have no vices. You don’t have a mean streak in your body. You believe in God and in doing your best. You’re educated, you don’t complain or blame others if things don’t turn out. You have no baggage from your past, no skeletons in your closet. Come on. I’m waiting for you to peel off your mask … You’re just too perfect. I know who I am and where I belong. You’re way too good for me. I’m sorry, but I don’t … I don’t deserve to be with you.”
    “Don’t say that!” Marsha pleaded. “All your life you’ve carried this guilt. Don’t you understand? It’s not your fault! You’re not to blame. I’m an adult. I can take it. I know everything, everything about you, and I’m still here.”
    Turning away, I raised my voice at Marsha for the first time. “Don’t you get it? My grandmother hates me, my mother tried to kill me. I drove Patsy to the brink … If you get too close … I’ll somehow screw things up for you, too.” With my chest beginning to heave, I murmured, “I’d rather stop before things get too serious and keep you as a friend. I’m just trying to save what we have. You mean that much to me. You’re too important for me to lose. You deserve to be happy, and if you become involved with me –”
    “It’s too late. I’m already involved. I know what I’m getting into. I’ve been around the block; I’ve dated plenty of creeps. I’ve never met anyone out there like you. Don’t you see how precious you are to me?”
    I shook my head.
    “And what about you. Dave? What do you deserve?” Marsha asked me. “My God, all your life you’ve worked your butt off, been taken advantage of; you’ve gotten truckloads of manure thrown at you and you get up, wipe yourself off, and carry on as if nothing happened. You never quit! What about you? You deserve to live a better life. I’ve never seen anybody work as hard as you. Look at how you sacrifice everything for your son. I’ve never seen any parent smother his child with as much love as you do. Okay, you had a bad marriage; but it takes two, two people to ruin something. You were not the only one responsible for the divorce. Maybe you couldn’t love her because she broke your trust. I’m not even going to tell you what I think about her! You’ve been more honorable, forgiving, and self-blaming than you should have. You’re the most broken person I know. What about Dave? When is Dave going to be happy? You deserve, Dave, you deserve to be happy. When is it going to be time for Dave?”
    I continued to shake my head. “Some mistakes … can never be paid for.”
    “It’s her, isn’t it?” Marsha asked. “You can’t stop thinking about her, can you?”
    I nodded in agreement. “Every day,” I began, “I try, I really do, but it’s like something pulls me back and I can’t break free – no matter what I do or how hard I try. Sometimes when I’m out there speaking, explaining what happened between Mother and me, it’s like I’m searching, crawling for a fragment of something I could have done, anything to change all that … besides Stephen. It’s like, it’s one of the reasons why I’m out there. If I could just find –”
    “No!” Marsha broke in. “You’ve got to let her go, it wasn’t your fault that –”
    “No. I could have –”
    “My God!” Marsha now yelled. “Your mother was nuts! There’s nothing you could have done to stop her!”
    With my heart continuing to race, I frantically shook my head. “You’re wrong. I could have …”
    “Could have done what?” Marsha countered.
    “Please,” I begged, “don’t