A Man Named Dave

console her, one by one her family barged in, without knocking, screaming at the top of their lungs at Patsy before turning on each other. I even found one person gorging on anything he could from my refrigerator and someone else rummaging through my bureau drawers in my bedroom. Only after I had kicked everyone but Patsy out did I learn how common this sort of outburst was for her family.
    I knew how hard Patsy had it in her mother’s cramped two-bedroom apartment. Because Patsy’s mother occupied one bedroom and Patsy’s brother and his girlfriend the other, Patsy slept on the living room couch. Her brother, though, spent his time waterskiing, cruising around in his prized truck he had purchased after winning a legal dispute, or partying. Due to Dottie Mae’s bad hips, Patsy felt she was the only one who had to take care of cleaning the apartment, do all the cooking, and run a multitude of daily errands for her mother. “Now you know why I go out and party,” Patsy once explained to me.
    “But why don’t you get a job, save some money, and move out?” I had replied.
    “Job? What jobs? I tried a couple of times, and why bother? The best I could do would be a waitress. Who wants to do that? Besides … I have a bad back. My mom gives me money when I need it.” Patsy shrugged, as if it was no big deal.
    At the time I couldn’t believe my ears. All my life I had never thought about not working to provide for myself. I had a hard time accepting Patsy’s family dynamics and how they treated her, but, thinking about my own family, who in the hell was I to judge? At least I knew, as Patsy once pointed out to me, “I know at times we’re at each other’s throats, but if someone else messes with either one of us, I tell you what: we’ll kick that person’s ass. Now, that’s how much we love each other.” I thought at the time that maybe Patsy’s family wasn’t so abnormal and that, once again, my standards were too high.
    As I held Patsy’s quivering body, she whispered, “If you let me move in, my mom will leave me alone; she’ll have to. And then I can be happy. You’ll see. We’ll be so happy.” My heart ached for Patsy. I knew she deserved better. Maybe, I thought, because of our pasts we had a good chance of making a good couple. We’d be strong enough to weather any storm. Besides, I told myself, no one could ever treat me as well as Patsy.
    “Okay,” I said, my voice cracking, “let’s do it. Let’s move in together.”
    In her excitement, Patsy nearly crushed my ribs. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! Finally, now I have a home!” Her eyes again swelled with tears. Patsy swallowed hard before bursting, “I love you, David. I have for the longest time. I really love you. You’re the one, the only one for me.”
    I was paralyzed. I couldn’t look at her. All I could do was continue to hold her. Time sped by and I still could not open my mouth. Here was a woman in my arms, now a major part of my life, who had just opened her soul to me and I …
    I could not say the words. And for that I despised myself. How could I allow someone into my home and not in my heart? I thought after everything Patsy had done for me and all she had been through, she deserved better. “It’s okay,” Patsy sniffed as she wiped away her tears, “I understand, I know, I do. But one day you will, I know it. One day you’ll love me.”
    Later, in the early morning hours, I lay wide awake with Patsy snoring beside me. Part of the reason I could not sleep was due to the time-zone changes of flying back from England. But I knew the true reason for my lack of sleep: my guilty conscience eating at me. I was now living with someone, and as I searched my heart, I didn’t know if I could ever have the same strong feelings for Patsy that she seemed to have for me. How could I be so cold when Patsy was filled with joy? Was it because after years of toughening myself to survive, I couldn’t break the pattern? Or was it because I didn’t want to? As much as I struggled, I could not find an answer. I only knew that I was getting myself deeper into something I did not fully understand. All I could do now was follow through with my commitment.
    The next afternoon I phoned Alice. After I told her of my overseas trip, the anxiety grew too much for me. “Mom,” I stammered, “Patsy and I, well … we decided, we’re living together now. If that’s all right?”
    I could hear Mom take a deep breath. “Well, I guess you’ve both given this some serious thought.”
    “Oh,