A Very Special Delivery

blessings.”
    Seventeen. The smiles of children when they opened the boxes she sent.
    Sixteen. The seniors who made her laugh and told her stories.
    “You’re doing fine, sweetheart. It’s passing.” Ethan stroked her shoulders in circular movements, soothing, calming. She took another deep, cleansing breath.
    Thirteen. Daddy. Oh, how she missed that laugh.
    By the time she’d counted backward to nine the tightness in her chest began to subside. Knees up, she dropped her head back against the cool plaster. There was a water spot on the ceiling of his apartment. She studied it, concentrated on it. Did Ethan know his roof had leaked at some point? Maybe during the ice storm?
    Ethan’s voice rumbled on, a low purr in her ear.
    At three, the fear dissipated. Her pulse slowed. She laid the paper sack aside.
    “You’re not trembling anymore.”
    “I’m better now.” She couldn’t meet his eyes.
    In the other room, Laney began to cry.
    “Go.” Molly pushed at him. “Take care of her. Hurry.”
    Ethan studied her face as if weighing which hysterical female needed him the most. “Stay put.”
    He left the room and Molly wished she had the strength to get up and leave. Before she could even try, Laney quieted and Ethan returned.
    He hunkered down beside her. “How long has this been going on?”
    Her chest started to hurt again. “Is Laney okay?”
    “She’s fine.” His sweet face was stern. “Answer my question. How long?”
    “Since Zack died. I thought I was well. I thought they were gone.”
    But they weren’t. A few minutes alone with Laney had brought them back in full force. She would always be in danger around babies. She’d accepted that before Ethan came along. And now look what had happened the minute she’d let her guard down.
    “Have you seen a doctor about it?”
    She nodded, picking at a stray carpet thread. “Yes, but I don’t like pills.”
    “What about therapy?”
    “That, too. For a while.”
    The only thing that ever really helped was staying away from her sister and children, the triggers as
her therapist called them. As long as she was at home on the farm or working in the center, she was fine. Every book she’d read and every doctor she’d seen had insisted avoidance was not the answer. But they were wrong. Hadn’t this incident proved as much?
    She pushed up off the floor and went into the kitchen for a drink of water. Her legs felt like cooked noodles.
    Ethan followed, attentive and watchful. She appreciated his concern, but the sooner she got away from him the better off they’d both be.
    Gripping the counter with one hand, she tipped her head back and let the cool water wash away any residual tightness in her throat. Too bad it couldn’t wash away the attacks, but she was trapped in a vicious prison of fear that nothing could eliminate. Nothing except avoidance.
    She drained the glass then set it in the sink. With the clink of glass against porcelain, she stared at the white tile backsplash and said, “I need to go home.”
    “Are you sure you’re ready to be alone?”
    “I have to get away from here, Ethan.” She managed a glance at him. Then wished she hadn’t.
    He studied her, worried, uncertain and loving. Right now, she didn’t want him to love her. She wanted him to let her go.
    “Okay,” he said, slowly, as if trying to gauge her mood. “If you want to go home, I’ll drive you.”
    “No need,” she said, a little too sharply, but why prolong the agony. “I can drive myself.”
    She’d driven her Jeep into town because it had more room than Ethan’s truck, and now she was glad she had. Making her escape back to safety would be easier.
    Gently, Ethan gripped her arms and turned her to face him. “I won’t take no for an answer, Molly. I want to help. You’re upset. I don’t want you to be alone.”
    “I said I can drive myself, Ethan. I don’t need you.”
    What a terrible lie that was, but it stopped him cold. He dropped his arms and stood inches away, his wounded expression a jab at her already tattered heart. He looked so confused, and she hated herself for letting their relationship come this far.
    For a short, beautiful time she’d believed they could make it. She loved him. Never wanted to see him hurt.
    All the more reason to get this over with. Tonight had proven that a relationship between her and a man with a child would never work.
    The sooner she got away from Ethan and Laney, the better for them all. She’d thought she