Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

black automobile.
    “Grandpa?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”
    “What?” he asked. “I came for you, as promised.”
    “As promised?” I asked. “But you only left me a few hours ago.”
    “Yes, yes,” Grandpa Smedry said. “I know, I’m late. Come on, lad! We’ve got work to do. Are you packed yet?”
    Grandpa Smedry began to climb back down the ladder.
    “Wait,” I said, sticking my head out the window. “Packed? I thought I was staying here with Joan and Roy!”
    “What?” Grandpa Smedry said, looking back up. “Edible Eddings, boy! This city is crawling with Librarians. It was dangerous enough to give you a chance to come back and say good-bye!”
    “But you said I had to spend some time with them!”
    “A few hours, lad,” Grandpa Smedry said, “to apologize for the trouble you’d given them. What did you expect? That I’d leave you here all summer, in the exact place where your enemies know where to look? With people that aren’t even your family? In a place you don’t really like, and that is depressing normal compared to the world you’ve grown to love? Doesn’t that sound a little stupid and contrived to you?”
    I raised my hand to my head. “Yeah,” I noted, “now that you mention it, who would do something silly like that? Let me go get my things and write a note to Joan and Roy. Oh, and you have to see what’s written on this package!”
    I rushed back into the room, pulling out a gym bag to begin packing. Outside, I heard Grandpa Smedry’s car hum quietly to life.
    I smiled. Everything felt right. Weird, true, but right .
    It was about time.

Epilogue
    SO, THAT’S HOW IT BEGAN. NOT AS SPECTACULAR AS SOME HAVE CLAIMED, I KNOW, BUT IT FELT INCREDIBLE ENOUGH TO ME AT THE TIME.
    NOW, I’LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT THOSE FIRST COUPLE OF DAYS HAD A PROFOUND EFFECT ON ME, SHAKING ME SLIGHTLY OUT OF THE SELF-INDULGENT REBELLIOUSNESS THAT I HAD FALLEN INTO. THE THING IS, IF I COULD GO BACK, I’D STILL TELL MYSELF NOT TO GO WITH GRANDPA SMEDRY ON THAT STRANGE, UNFORTUNATE DAY.
    THE THINGS I LEARNED DURING THAT FIRST INFILTRATION – TRUST, SELF-CONFIDENCE, BRAVERY – MIGHT SEEM GOOD AT FIRST GLANCE. HOWEVER, THE CHANGES I EXPERIENCED WERE JUST SETTING ME UP FOR MY EVENTUAL FALL. YOU’LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.
    FOR NOW, I HOPE THIS NARRATIVE WAS ENOUGH TO SHOW THAT EVEN SUPPOSED HEROES HAVE FLAWS. LET THIS BE YOUR WARNING – I’M NOT THE PERSON THAT YOU THINK I AM. YOU’LL SEE.
    WITH REGRET,
    ALCATRAZ SMEDRY

And so, untold millions screamed out in pain, and then were suddenly silenced. I hope you’re happy.
    (This last was included for anyone who skipped forward to read the last page of the book. For the rest of you – the ones who reached the last page in the proper, honorable, and Smedry-approved manner – those untold millions are cheering in praise of your honesty.
    They’ll probably throw you a party.)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
    “Brandon Sanderson” is the pen name of Alcatraz Smedry. His Hushlander editor forced him to use a pseudonym, since these memoirs are being published as fiction.
    Alcatraz actually knows a person named Brandon Sanderson. That man, however, is a fantasy writer, and is therefore prone to useless bouts of delusion in literary form. Alcatraz has it on good authority that Brandon Sanderson is actually illiterate and dictates his thick, overly long fantasy tomes to his potted plant, Count Duku.
    It is widely assumed that Brandon went mad several years ago, but few people can tell because his writing is so strange anyway. He spends his time going to science fiction movies, eating popcorn and goat cheese (separately), and trying to warn people about the dangers of the Great Kitten Conspiracy.
    He’s had his library card revoked on seventeen different occasions.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
    Thanks to my agents, Joshua Bilmes (who single-handedly transformed this manuscript from being a whimsical idea into a full-blown super-project) and Steve Mancino, who exceeded my expectations wildly in finding the book a home.
    And, speaking of that home, Anica Rissi – my editor at Scholastic – took fantastic care of this book, helping make it the best book possible. Her tireless work is well appreciated, and the same goes for all of the wonderful people over at Scholastic.
    As for alpha readers, I’d like to thank Stacy Whitman, Heather Kirby, Kristina Kugler, Peter and Karen Ahlstrom, Kaylynn ZoBell, Isaac Thegn Skarstedt, Ethan Skarstedt, Leif Ethan Skarstedt,