All the Pretty Horses

on the occasion of Independence Day. He took her hand and they crossed the street to the hotel. He tried to read her heart in her handclasp but he knew nothing.
    They ate dinner in the hotel diningroom. He’d never been in a public place with her and he was not prepared for the open glances from older men at nearby tables nor for the grace with which she accepted them. He’d bought a pack of american cigarettes at the desk and when the waiter brought the coffee he lit one and placed it in the ashtray and said that he had to tell her what had happened.
    He told her about Blevins and about the prisión Castelar and he told her about what happened to Rawlins and finally he told her about the cuchillero who had fallen dead in his arms with his knife broken off in his heart. He told her everything. Then they sat in silence. When she looked up she was crying.
    Tell me, he said.
    I cant.
    Tell me.
    How do I know who you are? Do I know what sort of man you are? What sort my father is? Do you drink whiskey? Do you go with whores? Does he? What are men?
    I told you things I’ve never told anybody. I told you all there was to tell.
    What good is it? What good?
    I dont know. I guess I just believe in it.
    They sat for a long time. Finally she looked up at him. I told him that we were lovers, she said.
    The chill that went through him was so cold. The room so quiet. She’d hardly more than whispered yet he felt the silence all around him and he could scarcely look. When he spoke his voice was lost.
    Why?
    Because she threatened to tell him. My aunt. She told me I must stop seeing you or she would tell him.
    She wouldnt have.
    No. I dont know. I couldnt stand for her to have that power. I told him myself.
    Why?
    I dont know. I dont know.
    Is it true? You told him?
    Yes. It’s true.
    He leaned back. He put both hands to his face. He looked at her again.
    How did she find out?
    I dont know. Different things. Estéban perhaps. She heard me leave the house. Heard me return.
    You didnt deny it.
    No.
    What did your father say?
    Nothing. He said nothing.
    Why didnt you tell me?
    You were on the mesa. I would have. But when you returned you were arrested.
    He had me arrested.
    Yes.
    How could you tell him?
    I dont know. I was so foolish. It was her arrogance. I told her I would not be blackmailed. She made me crazy.
    Do you hate her?
    No. I dont hate her. But she tells me I must be my own person and with every breath she tries to make me her person. I dont hate her. She cant help it. But I broke my father’s heart. I broke his heart.
    He said nothing at all?
    No.
    What did he do?
    He got up from the table. He went to his room.
    You told him at the table?
    Yes.
    In front of her?
    Yes. He went to his room and the next morning he left before daylight. He saddled a horse and left. He took the dogs. He went up into the mountains alone. I think he was going to kill you.
    She was crying. People were looking toward their table. She lowered her eyes and sat sobbing silently, just her shoulders moving and the tears running down her face.
    Dont cry. Alejandra. Dont cry.
    She shook her head. I destroyed everything. I only wanted to die.
    Dont cry. I’ll make it right.
    You cant, she said. She raised her eyes and looked at him. He’d never seen despair before. He thought he had, but he had not.
    He came to the mesa. Why didnt he kill me?
    I dont know. I think he was afraid that I would take my life.
    Would you?
    I dont know.
    I will make it right. You have to let me.
    She shook her head. You dont understand.
    What dont I understand?
    I didnt know that he would stop loving me. I didnt know he could. Now I know.
    She took a handkerchief from her purse. I’m sorry, she said. People are looking at us.
    I T RAINED in the night and the curtains kept lifting into the room and he could hear the splash of the rain in the courtyard and he held her pale and naked against him and she cried and she told him that she loved him and he asked her to marry him. He told her that he could make a living and that they could go to live in his country and make their life there and no harm would come to them. She did not sleep and when he woke in the dawn she was standing at the window wearing his shirt.
    Viene la madrugada, she said.
    Yes.
    She came to the bed and sat. I saw you in a dream. I saw you dead in a dream.
    Last night?
    No. Long ago. Before any of this. Hice una manda.
    A promise.
    Yes.
    For my life.
    Yes. They carried you through the streets of a city