Always Watching

pleasure in any aspect of my life when my daughter was on the streets, I tried to remind myself that it was okay to enjoy the good things in my life. I loved my house, my job, and I was blessed with wonderful friends who I could travel with, and—I glanced over at Elizabeth—laugh with at the movies. But it was still hard.
    That was another reason I’d decided to work at the hospital—I’d wanted to be part of a team. Private practice can be lonely at times. There’s also a bigger risk of connecting with your patients because you might relate to their issues. There’s less chance of that in a hospital, where you work with people who are more acutely ill. At least that was the plan until I met Heather. But watching her get better reminded me of why I’d gone into psychiatry in the first place. I was profoundly pleased that I was able to have some impact on Heather’s life and believed she had a strong chance of making it.
    Then we got news that her parents had been killed.
    *   *   *
    It was Michelle who phoned me at home that Sunday evening. Daniel had called the unit, saying he had some bad news to tell Heather, and he needed help. I called him back right away.
    “They were asleep in their RV when it happened,” he said. “Apparently, fumes from their propane stove had leaked in. A hunter found them—they’d been dead for several days, and he noticed the smell.”
    It was a terrible image, their bodies rotting alone in the woods, but without the smell it might have taken days longer.
    “The police want me to tell Heather.” Daniel sounded frantic. “Do we have to?”
    “She’s in the best place to find out. Would you like me to tell her?”
    “I think I should do it—she’d want to hear it from me.” A long pause. “But what if she tries to hurt herself again?”
    It was a very real concern and something that had worried me the instant he told me the news. “We’ll put her under close observation and move her back up to PIC, where we can keep an eye on her until she’s over the worst of it. But we shouldn’t tell her tonight. Let’s wait until tomorrow. Try to get some rest.”
    “Okay, thanks.” He sighed into the phone. “I just wish I could take away the pain for her.”
    “I know.” I felt the same way. I wished I could take away Heather’s pain, and Daniel’s.
    *   *   *
    In the morning, we met in the visiting area. He was pale and obviously nervous, constantly rubbing his unshaven jaw or running his hands through his hair, his whole body keyed up. He met my eyes and said, “This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
    “Would you like me to be with you when you tell her?”
    “Thanks, but I think I should do it alone.”
    “I’ll be close by in case you need help.” I held his gaze. “I know you’re scared, but she’ll get through this, okay?”
    He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “Okay.”
    The nurses had already placed Heather in one of the interview rooms, and she thought she was waiting for our morning session. When we walked in, she was reading a book, sitting cross-legged on the chair, her feet tucked under her jeans-clad legs. The book was a course guide for the university. She was making plans for her future—a future we were about to turn upside down.
    She looked up with a smile. “Daniel! I didn’t know you were coming in.”
    Daniel sat in the chair beside her and held her hands. He tried to smile back at her, but his lips were tight, his eyes sad. She searched my face, then Daniel’s. She said, “What’s wrong?”
    I said, “Daniel would like to speak with you. I’ll leave you two alone.”
    Just as I sat nearby at the nurses’ station, where I could observe on one of the monitors, Daniel leaned close to Heather. I couldn’t hear anything, but his face was gentle, and I could tell that he was explaining what had happened.
    Heather’s body rocked backward, her hands across her mouth, which was opened in a silent scream.
    Daniel was still talking, his hand on her shoulder. He was obviously trying to comfort her, but right now Heather wasn’t able to absorb anything. She was just shaking her head back and forth, trying to block him out. Daniel pulled her in for a hug. She pushed him away, then pressed her hands against her ears.
    Daniel looked up at the camera in the corner, his face helpless.
    I knocked on the door and walked in. Heather turned to me, her expression beseeching. “They’re dead