Always Watching

you why she…” Daniel choked up, took a quick breath. “Why she tried to kill herself?”
    “I can’t share anything Heather tells me without her permission. But I’d like to ask you some questions.”
    “Sure, anything.”
    “Did you know how depressed she’s been?”
    He rubbed his chin, his face bleak. “Since we lost the baby, she won’t eat or get out of bed. Most days she won’t even shower. I thought it was postpartum, or whatever it’s called, and she just needed some time.… I keep thinking about how quiet she was when I left last night. I was late for work—I’ve been picking up odd jobs in the evening to make some extra cash—so I was in a rush.” He shook his head. “If I’d stayed with her…”
    He was the type who blame themselves. I leaned forward.
    “This isn’t your fault, Daniel. If you’d been there, she’d have waited until you weren’t and tried again. People as troubled as Heather always find a way.”
    He looked at me—long enough, I hoped, for my words to sink in—then his face clouded over.
    “Her parents are going to take this really hard.”
    “They don’t know?”
    “They’re on an RV trip in Northern BC. I tried to call, but they must be out of range. She hasn’t talked to them for a while.”
    “What about her friends?”
    “She never wanted to do anything with them, so they stopped phoning.”
    I wasn’t surprised that Heather had pushed people away, except for Daniel. A classic symptom of depression was detaching from friends and family.
    “What do you do for a living, Daniel?”
    “I’m a carpenter.” That explained his build, and his deep tan. He smiled as he looked down at his rough hands. “Heather and I came from different worlds, but the minute we met, we had this instant connection, like on the deepest level. Neither of us had ever felt that way before.” He looked at me as if expecting skepticism.
    I gave him an encouraging nod.
    He continued. “She’d just gone through a breakup—her ex was a real jerk. But we started hiking and doing yoga together. It seemed to cheer her up.”
    It had been a good idea on his part. Exercise is one of the best natural aids for depression.
    “So you noticed some signs of depression before you got married?”
    “I guess.… She’s the kind of person who’s always trying to take care of everyone else, so it’s hard to tell sometimes. She’d get really quiet or start crying, but she wouldn’t want to worry me, so I wouldn’t know what she was upset about. But when she got pregnant, she was really happy about the baby, picking out names, buying toys.…” His voice wavered. “I don’t know what to do about the baby’s room or all the clothes she bought.”
    My mind flashed to Paul painting Lisa’s nursery strawberry red with apple green stripes because our child would be different, would skip to her own beat. Which she had, always—a trait I’d admired, until she danced away from me.
    “Let’s take it one day at a time,” I said, as much to myself as to him. “You can work all that out later.”
    “When can Heather come home?”
    “She’s been involuntarily admitted into the hospital so we can keep an eye on her. We can’t release her until she’s no longer a danger to herself.”
    “What if she tries … you know.” He swallowed hard. “What if she tries to do it again?”
    “We won’t let her here. And we won’t send her home until she’s stable and has a good support system in place.”
    “Can I see her? I brought some of her things.”
    Normally, we’re strict about visiting hours—they’re only from four to nine in PIC, where everyone has to be buzzed in and out. We don’t allow visitors before noon, so patients can attend programs, and we can make our rounds. But he looked desperate, and I thought seeing him might help Heather settle in.
    “She’s resting right now, but you can say a quick hello.”
    *   *   *
    We didn’t talk as we rode up the elevator to Psychiatric Intensive Care on the next floor. Daniel seemed lost in thought, and I was busy counting my heartbeats while focusing on my breathing. I’ve suffered from claustrophobia for years, a fact that would probably shock my patients. Various coping techniques help, from mental imagery to breathing exercises, but when I first heard the elevator seal shut, I had to restrain myself from hitting the panic button.
    We were buzzed into the unit. In PIC, the nurses’ station is behind glass, and a