Always Watching

them.
    Heather had started to cry again, her shoulders shaking.
    “They made me feel like it was my fault I lost the baby.”
    “They don’t really believe it’s your fault—no one thinks that,” Daniel said. “They’re just trying to help, sweetie. You were doing so well.”
    Heather was crying harder now, her face twisted.
    “I didn’t like how they’re always telling us what to do. They—”
    “Heather, stop—you don’t know what you’re saying.” Daniel’s eyes shot to my face, his voice concerned and his expression helpless. “They have rules, Dr. Lavoie, but they’re so we can stay focused on the workshops.”
    Heather and Daniel clearly weren’t on the same page about the center, but she didn’t want to contradict Daniel in front of me. She kept glancing at him. Is it okay that I’m saying this? Do you still love me?
    She gazed at him now, her hands gripping her blanket tight around her.
    “They wouldn’t let me say good-bye to Emily.”
    This was the second time Heather had mentioned Emily.
    “Emily didn’t want to leave with us, remember? She loves it at the center. I know you miss her, but you need to worry about yourself and the bab—”
    Heather recoiled like he’d hit her.
    Daniel said, “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. It was just habit.”
    Heather’s eyes had gone dark and empty again, her hands dropped by her sides, palms up—defeated.
    “It’s my fault I lost the baby. You’re mad at me.”
    “It’s not your fault, Heather—and I’m not mad at you.” In a voice so loving and sad it made my heart hurt, he added, “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”
    “They said we should stay. They said it was better for our baby—and maybe they were right. I made you leave, and now the baby’s dead.”
    “Heather, stop.” Daniel was rubbing her back. “Don’t say things like that.” He put his face close to hers. “Hey, look at me.” But Heather was just staring at the wall now, her expression blank.
    I didn’t want to push things too much, especially with Heather starting to dissociate from the conversation, but I was concerned about why she was blaming herself so much for the loss of her baby.
    “Why did you want to leave the center, Heather?”
    She began to rock, her arms wrapped around her body.
    “They said that all adults are the child’s parents. So everyone helps raise them, and they don’t even stay with you.”
    The horror in her face made it clear that this hadn’t sat well with her.
    “At the center, they believe it’s better for the baby’s spiritual growth to be loved by many hearts,” Daniel said. “They have highly trained caregivers.”
    This center sounded highly controlling. I turned to Heather.
    “But you didn’t want to share your child?”
    She nodded and glanced at Daniel, who stared down at Heather’s bandages again. She looked like she wanted to explain herself more, but then she reached out and held Daniel’s hand. He gave it a small squeeze.
    “I think I was wrong, though,” she said. “We should’ve stayed. Then I wouldn’t have miscarried.”
    I said, “How can you know that you wouldn’t have miscarried even if you had stayed? Did they actually tell you that you were responsible?”
    “They didn’t say it was our fault,” Daniel said. “They were just worried that Heather had gotten herself too stressed out by moving.”
    In other words, they had implied that it was her fault.
    “What is this center called?” I said.
    Daniel sat straighter, his shoulders proud.
    “The River of Life Spiritual Center.”
    Something tickled at the back of my mind, followed by an uncomfortable feeling of dread settling in my stomach.
    “Who runs it?”
    “Aaron Quinn. He’s the director of all the programs at the center.”
    Aaron Quinn. He said Aaron Quinn.
    It couldn’t be the same man.
    Heather’s voice was a whisper. “Most of the members call it the commune.”
    The commune. I hadn’t heard that name in years. I hadn’t wanted to hear it ever again. I stared at Heather, trying to think, my heart thudding in my ears.
    “Dr. Lavoie?” Heather’s blue eyes were full of sorrow and pain. “Do you think it’s my fault the baby died?”
    It took a second for me to refocus my thoughts. You have a patient, and she needs your help.
    “No, I don’t think it’s your fault. You made a decision you thought was best for your child—you were just being good parents.” I talked on for a minute or two,