Among Others

I thought my leg was mutilation, but that’s nothing. If I wore those earrings, I couldn’t see the fairies. I don’t know if the controlling thing would work, but having the holes would stop it. If it’s true that my whole generation is having it done, that means a whole generation of women who won’t see fairies. It doesn’t sound so bad, it sounds like immunization, doesn’t it, one little prick and away goes all the arcane side. But it is bad, because like immunization it only works if it’s everyone. They won’t do it, and nobody will be able to stop them.
    Anyway, while most people can’t see fairies anyway because they don’t believe in them, seeing them isn’t a bad thing. Some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen have been fairies.
    I suppose I could get out of the window, though there isn’t a convenient tree the way there is in school. Or I could walk out of the back door in the night when they’re all asleep. I have the map. Only it’s Christmas and there are no trains, and no trains tomorrow either. Also, I don’t have any money, I spent it all on presents. I have 24p. Daniel would probably give me money, but he wouldn’t want to hear anything against them, he probably literally can’t hear anything against them. Also he’s my father-of-record and my legal guardian. When I ran away before and they put me in the Home, it was him they found. If I run away, where can I go? I can’t go to Grampar, he’s probably back in hospital by now and anyway they won’t let me live with him, or with Auntie Teg. I could try her anyway, but Auntie Teg’s is the first place Daniel would look. The rest of the family let me down before, they knew about Liz and they still thought it would be all right to leave me with her. I won’t be sixteen until June, six whole months, and where can I go on my own without a National Insurance Number and looking younger than my age?
    I have to make it through the rest of today and tomorrow, and then I can go down to South Wales and talk to Auntie Teg and Glorfindel and see what I can do. If they’d leave me alone I can cope with school, at least for this year. When you’re sixteen you can live alone. I could do what Janine said, get a job and do A Levels part time, like Wim. I could do that.
    They must do everything in the kitchen and their rooms, the parts of the house I haven’t seen. I have to stay near Daniel. He thinks I’m being irrationally hysterical, but he’ll humour me. He’s not too bad. I think he kind of likes me. They’re eating down there, and drinking, and I’m going to go down and say I’m sorry I was hysterical but the thought of piercing my ears fills me with a terrible dread and fear and if they’ll promise never to mention it again I’ll promise never to run out of the room and barricade myself in my room. If I need to, I’ll promise to go right away and never see them again after June. They are the ones paying for school, not Daniel. I could say I’ll pay them back when I can.
    I’m not absolutely sure they know I know—I mean know that it isn’t just an irrational fear. In front of Daniel they’ll pretend to agree. Daniel’s their weak point. Anyway, they can’t actually do it until Thursday. Deep breath. I’m going down.
    W EDNESDAY 26 TH D ECEMBER 1979
    On the other hand, how do I know they’re evil? Why is that my assumption? Maybe they are exactly what they seem, except with a bit of magic, and they know nothing about me except the obvious. Maybe all they want is to make me into a nice niece. (A nice niece from Nice ate a nice Nice biscuit and an iced bun…)
    I know having those holes bored would take me away from magic. I’m sure they know that, or they wouldn’t be so adamant, but I’m not sure if they know I know about magic. Most people don’t. For most people, it would be no loss. Though it’s girls, boys mostly don’t get their ears pierced. Can men do magic? I’m sure they can, but I don’t seem to meet them. What I was thinking about vaccination, maybe they were thinking of it like that, to make me safe from the temptation of doing magic. I thought those earrings were to control me, but maybe they were to make me more like everyone else. They have a tame brother. Maybe they want a tame niece. In that case, they’d probably be okay with me going back to school and not trying again until half term, or even Easter. School is where they want me to be. School is insulated from magic, as I noticed