As she rides by

did I want ‘em?
    On the way back, a friendly lady in a two-inch miniskirt and a peek-a-boo bra told me I had a cute dog. She also informed me that she had the time if I had the fifty bucks. I said, darn, I did have the fifty bucks but it was the time I didn’t have. She gave me a sweet smile and an acrobatic suggestion. “Aren’t you lucky we men can’t,” I remarked. “It would sure put you out of business in a hurry.” I bowed politely and continued on my way.

Chapter Six

    And that’s gotta be as safe as U.S. money in the bank,
    ‘Cause we’ve been drinkin’ buddies since we met in ‘63.

    I T WAS JUST on two when I pulled into the school parking lot, with which I was very familiar. Not only from sitting out there waiting for my beloved to finish work, but once upon a spring the school’s vice principal, a nice gent called Lowenstein, had hired me to do what I could about the school’s rapidly growing problems with drugs, the takers thereof and the pushers thereof. So I did what I could; it all ended satisfactorily for some and sadly for some, which is how most affairs end, I guess. Sadly for Artie, who ran the hamburger joint across the road, which inexplicably was blown up into little bitty pieces late one night. He’ll be able to start on the rebuilding in 1996—if he gets parole, that is. Sadly for Dev Devlin, ex-head of security at the school, sadly for a half a dozen kids and their parents, but highly satisfactorily for V. Daniel, and, I like to think, for E. Louise Shirley, as it was on the second floor of the school’s “A” wing, at 11:25 one fateful morning, when Cupid’s arrow swooped down out of the smog and smote us both.
    So I had no trouble finding the visitors’ parking section. I told King to be good and I’d see him soon and that he was a lucky dog, getting to spend the night at Evonne’s and didn’t I wish I had his luck. I left the trowel on the seat beside him where she’d be sure to notice it; I have found it is these thoughtful little gestures that women prize so much.
    A few jocks passed me on the way to the front entrance, heading for the combination football, baseball, and soccer field. Inside, the halls were quiet as the kids had finished changing rooms for their last class of the day. I found Mr. Chandler’s office without being queried by anyone at the front desk, as there wasn’t anyone at it, and without any trouble, up on the second floor of the science wing, right where it was supposed to be. The door was open, so I said, “Hi, anyone home?” and went in.
    “Be right out,” a voice called from the inner depths of a closet to my right. “Have a seat.” There was only one seat to be had—aside from the old stuffed armchair behind the desk which was obvious for the use of J. Chandler—a spindly affair wedged in between two bookcases, on which I perched gingerly. The desk itself, I was pleased to note, was cluttered to overflowing, and not only with piles of papers, folders, books and magazines, and the like, but also with a gorgeous hand-painted wooden duck decoy, life-sized, a ship in a dusty bottle, and a heap of buttons, bits of broken pottery, and arrowheads—in other words, amigos— artifacts!
    After a minute out came J. Chandler, Esq., dusting his hands. He was a short, wiry individual with a lot of brown hair and a drooping brown mustache, wearing brown corduroys and a baggy brown cardigan. I introduced myself, standing up to do so, and he shook my hand enthusiastically, then bounced over to his chair and sprang into it.
    “So you’re the man in my darling girl’s life!” he said. “Well, well, well! Sit, take the weight off, tell me what’s up, man.”
    So I sat and told him the story so far while he lit up and puffed away on a long-stemmed clay pipe of the kind I believe is called a churchwarden.
    “A scheme to delight the heart of any Welshman, boyo,” he said excitedly when I was done. “You may be assured of my complete, utter, and total cooperation. Now. If my ears have not betrayed me, your problem dissects into four separate elements: Element the First—were there indeed settlements of the Amerind peoples in the culture area you stipulated. Element the Second—if so, were their burial traditions compatible with your requirement? Element the Third—if so and if so, could physical evidence of the same be obtainable? Element the Fourth—if so and if so and if so, would some suitable authority on the subject be willing to