As she rides by

long green apron he was wearing.
    “I, moi, have an idea,” Phineas said to me. “I’ll drive you home and we can fill each other in on the way; that tickle your fancy?”
    “Highly, bro.”
    He led the way out the back door. We climbed into one of the delivery vans and off we went, but not before he’d donned, and then carefully adjusted, the regular driver’s cap which he’d found on the seat.
    As soon as he’d wheeled the van smartly into the traffic flow out on the main road, he said to me, “Age before beauty, so you go first.”
    “OK,” I said. “What I did was I made a mistake.”
    “What mistake?”
    “Underestimation, which is why what is left of your Mercedes is at this very moment being towed into Mel’s garage down Las Tunas way.” He winced. I told him how it had happened and said I’d naturally pick up the tab for any repair work, not without an inward wince myself as we were talking three new radials, two windshields, plus the towing charge, plus whatever other damage an irate cannon-toting big mouth might have inflicted. Luckily for me, Phineas rejected my valiant offer with a grandiose wave of one hand.
    “Phineas may be occasionally promiscuous, but he is never petty,” he said.
    “Good,” I said. “Because you is out one tennis racket and one surfboard as well.” And I told him how all that had happened. He whistled through his teeth and shot me a look.
    “Better you than me,” he said, swinging right onto Coldwater Canyon . “I’m beginning to take your point about the importance of speaking the same language as those two frightful icks.”
    “And how did your day go?” I asked him after a minute.
    “A lot quieter than yours,” he said. “My lawyer came by the house in his brand-new BMW at about ten-thirty and off we went downtown. We found the right courtroom, and waited. At about a quarter after twelve, our case was called by the clerk of the court. We were present. The cops were present. The prosecuting attorney, a rather attractive young lady in a Nile-green trouser suit, was present. The lawyer for the accused was present. Guess who were the only ones missing.”
    “I give up,” I said.
    “Judge D. Sharp, presiding, was not overly pleased. He allowed the accused’s attorney one hour to produce his clients. He did not do so. He unhappily had to confess to a total ignorance of their whereabouts. Judge D. Sharp, presiding, declared the accused’s bail forfeit, and then instructed the clerk of the court to instruct the appropriate police official of the accused’s lamentable behavior. As the appropriate police official was in court, the clerk did so immediately. Said police official promptly departed to regions unknown, and was never seen again, which will probably be the case with my favorite slobs.”
    “Au contraire, mon ami,” I said, as the Mercedes topped the hills separating Phineas’s side of town and mine and began its descent down into North Hollywood and Studio City . “Your favorite slobs are at this very moment, at this precise point in time, back in the slammer where they belong. And this time they will not get bail, even if anyone was foolish enough to want to post it for them.”
    “So that’s what the mysterious phone calls were all about,” he said, nodding. “The ‘satisfactory report,’ and all that.”
    “Why, Phineas,” I said, “there was nothing mysterious at all about them. All I did was call up an old pal, Marvelous Marv, a sheriffs deputy of my acquaintance, and told him that if he wanted to make the fastest collar in the history of law enforcement, as of course he did, because he’s been bucking for lieutenant for years now, all he had to do was be in such and such a place at such and such a time.
    “I said, if all went well, he would see a strange sight. Two of them, in fact; hopefully naked. And what he should do is, keep an eye on them until one o’clock or so. And what he should do then is, offer them a lift, forcibly or not.”
    “And I thought I was the sneaky type,” Phineas said. “Just goes to show.”
    “And then,” I went on, “if all went well, he would be able to make the fastest arrest in history because what your police official did immediately on leaving the court was to put out an APB, meaning an all points bulletin, on Phil and Ted, meaning all cars be on the lookout for and arrest instantly. Which Marv and his partner would have no trouble doing the second the APB came over their police