Baby Be Mine

Barney.
    ‘Famwee hug,’ Barney repeats. Johnny and I glance at each other and laugh.
    With the traffic on the M25 the journey takes a long time, but Johnny makes up for our delays once we hit the country roads. It’s a perfect English summer’s day. There are just a few white fluffy clouds in the sky, and the sunshine manages to find us even when the roadside is densely populated by leafy green trees.
    ‘I forgot how fast you drove,’ I say as I clutch onto the armrest. Barney is fast asleep in the back. We’ve had time to catch up on each other’s news, and I’ve just found out that, sadly, Shelley has had a miscarriage. ‘How is your dad taking it?’ I ask.
    ‘He’s bloody delighted,’ he mutters with disgust.
    ‘Is he still with that other woman?’
    ‘God knows. I don’t want to hear anything about it.’
    ‘Fair enough.’ I exhale loudly. ‘Argh!’ Another corner; too fast.
    ‘Chill out, babe.’ He reaches across and pats my thigh, completely unaware that his touch has left me tingling.
    We’re staying at a hotel about twenty minutes’ drive from Goodwood. The organisers at the Festival of Speed have booked us two rooms right across from each other – one of which is the hotel’s spacious signature room, with a four-poster bed, vaulted ceiling and a wood-burning stove. A travel cot has been placed in the second, smaller room, but Johnny immediately wants to swap Barney and me to the larger room.
    ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I say. ‘We’ve got more than enough space.’
    ‘I feel bad, though,’ he replies.
    ‘You? Feel bad? You’ve got to be kidding me. We’ll be fine. More than fine. Anyway,’ I say with a smirk, ‘we couldn’t possibly deny you the luxury that you’ve grown so used to.’
    He gives me a look and I laugh as I bustle Barney into our room. Johnny stands at the doorway. ‘Shall we go for a walk?’
    ‘Sure. I’m just going to unpack, because I’m anal like that.’
    ‘Come on,’ he moans.
    ‘Patience . . .’ I warn. ‘I’ll only be a few minutes. Not like I’ve brought the house with me.’
    He comes in and sits on the bed.
    ‘Why don’t you take Barney down to the garden to see the peacocks?’ To our son’s delight there were a couple wandering around earlier. ‘I’ll be there in a sec.’
    ‘Alright,’ he says glumly. ‘Come on, buddy.’
    ‘Can you take the buggy?’ I call after him.
    ‘I told you before, I don’t do buggies.’
    ‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ I give him a comically withering look. ‘What will you be like if you get married one day and have more kids? What’s your poor wife going to do?’
    Even though I say this flippantly, the horrible thought of him settling down with some strange woman and having children with her suddenly makes me feel quite sick. I avert my gaze. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll bring it.’
    ‘I’ll take it,’ he says abruptly, looking around. ‘Where is it?’
    ‘Actually, it’s still in the car,’ I realise.
    He rolls his eyes at me. ‘Trouble-causer. See you downstairs.’
    ‘Okey-dokey!’
    ‘And get a bleedin’ move on!’ he shouts on his way out.
    We wander through the hotel’s thirty acres of private parkland with its moat, streams – and peacocks – all the way to an unspoiled beach. The walk should feel blissful, but my comment earlier has unsettled me and I can’t shift from my mind the idea of Johnny’s future partners. If his dad almost had a second child at the age of sixty-two, I’ve got years and years of worry ahead of me. Maybe I’ll get married myself and have more children; but I don’t like that thought, either. Lovely as it was being with Joseph, I haven’t had any desire to date again.
    I know what’s happening, but I don’t want to fall for Johnny again. I don’t want to re-experience that level of hurt.
    Only it’s too late. It’s always been too late.
    Johnny is quieter than usual and I wonder if he knows what’s going through my mind.
    We sit down on the pebble beach. Johnny lights himself a cigarette and throws stones into the water while Barney plays in a nearby rock pool. I stare ahead at the waves gently lapping against the shore. I wrap my arms around my knees and hug them to me for comfort. Johnny leans back on his elbows and glances across at me.
    ‘Penny for your thoughts?’
    ‘Cheapskate.’
    We manage a small smile at each other.
    ‘I don’t want anyone else,’ he says as my heart begins to thump more prominently inside my