Baby Be Mine

HIM!’
    Christian stands with his back to me, facing the mountains, breathing heavily. And then suddenly he puts his face in his hands and starts to sob. It’s the most awful, heart-wrenching thing I will ever hear. I hurry over to him and put my hands on his shuddering back, but he violently pushes me off.
    ‘I’ve started packing some things,’ I say quietly. ‘We’ll go to my parents in the morning if you’ll just let us stay tonight. I don’t want to wake Barney if that’s at all possible.’
    His sobs stop abruptly and he looks at me in disbelief.
    ‘You’re leaving me? You’re not fucking leaving me! You’re not taking my son away from me. He’s my son!’ He aggressively points down the corridor and then turns his finger on me. ‘That bastard might’ve fucked you, but I raised him and YOU’RE NOT TAKING HIM AWAY!’
    ‘Okay, okay!’ I put my hands up to calm him. ‘I will do whatever you want me to do. I love you.’
    He stares at me, his eyes wide and his shoulders visibly moving up and down with every breath.
    ‘I love you,’ I say again, willing him to believe it, hoping it will somehow dull the pain.
    His face crumples and this time I can’t give him space. I throw my arms around his neck and he gives in, crying into my shoulder.
    ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.’ I say it over and over again. I’ll never stop saying it.
    ‘I don’t want you to go,’ he says in a muffled voice and I almost dare to hope that it will all be alright, that somehow we will work this out.
    ‘I won’t go,’ I promise. ‘I won’t leave you. I’m here for as long as you want me. I’m so sorry.’
    ‘Have you told your parents?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Does anyone else know?’
    I hesitate before owning up. ‘Bess worked it out in Barcelona.’
    ‘For fuck’s sake!’
    ‘She won’t tell anyone,’ I add quickly.
    ‘Good. Don’t tell your parents. I don’t want anyone else to know.’
    ‘Okay,’ I say, because I don’t want to hurt him anymore. But this is going to be complicated. Johnny is aware of Barney’s existence now. I can’t imagine how this is going to pan out, but there’s one thing I’m certain of: there’s more heartbreak to come.

 
  Chapter 13  
    Christian cancels his trip to join the band, claiming there’s no way he can concentrate on work now. I don’t know how we get through the next few days, but we do.
    His devastation is crushing, though. He can barely look at Barney without crying. It’s the most horrible thing to witness and I hate myself more and more with every hour that passes. I think Barney is confused. He’s acting fairly normally, but sometimes he regards his father with wariness. I hope with all my heart that we can get through this, but I’m far from convinced that we can.
    Christian won’t look at me. He won’t touch me. He won’t come to bed with me. He sleeps on the sofa – refusing to let me sleep there – and speaks to me amicably enough when Barney is around. When Barney isn’t there, he hardly speaks to me at all. He doesn’t want to know any more details about what happened. He doesn’t care that this lie has been killing me. He sniggered when I told him I didn’t want to hurt him, but mostly his pain is pure, not poisoned by sarcasm or cruelty. Not yet, anyway.
    I still haven’t called Johnny. I know that I have to. I just don’t know how. I’ve already been so deceitful and I don’t want to cause Christian any more pain, but we’re going to have to go there soon. Johnny won’t wait forever.
    After six days, Christian tells me he has to return his rental car, because the rental company have started to charge him extra money for his upgrade. He needs to drop it off at Toulouse airport, which is two hours away, so I offer to follow him in our car to save him from catching a train back. He nods curtly, and I tentatively ask if we should relocate Barney’s car seat to my car.
    ‘No,’ he snaps. ‘He can ride with me.’
    It feels strange driving his Alfa without Barney in the back. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. Christian drives faster than me around the winding mountain roads – he always has – but I’m struggling to keep him in my sights and I don’t feel as in control as I should be. What if something happens to me? Who would look after my son?
    I put my foot on the brake pedal to slow myself down. If he drives away from me, so be it. I’ll find my own way.
    He speeds around the corners and out of