Baby Be Mine

for this evening’s blaze, and on the right is a small bar area. More family portraits line the walls and there’s an abundance of fresh flowers in large vases. We’re seated at a table with Barney between us in a highchair. I’ve already started the messy business of feeding him. It’ll be interesting to see how Johnny copes with this.
    ‘How’s your work going?’ I ask Johnny. ‘Are you writing at the moment?’
    ‘No. Haven’t written anything for a while.’
    ‘Too busy partying and ending up in rehab,’ I say wryly.
    Barney reaches across and tries to grab Johnny’s heavy metallic watch.
    ‘No, darling,’ I say, catching his arm before he smears tuna mayonnaise all over Johnny’s – platinum, probably – timepiece.
    ‘It’s okay,’ Johnny says, shaking his arm so his watch jangles slightly. I flinch as Barney’s grubby fingers grapple with their prize. Johnny unclasps the watch and hands it to him.
    ‘Do you like that? You can have it, if you like.’
    ‘No, baby, give it back to Johnny,’ I insist, knowing it probably cost more than our car.
    ‘Why?’ Johnny asks. ‘It’s not like I can’t afford it. I want him to have something from me.’
    ‘Buy him a teddy,’ I say, taking a baby wipe out of my nappy bag and giving the watch a good polish before handing it back to its owner. I give Barney a plastic car to play with instead.
    A waiter interrupts us with our croque monsieurs. ‘Merci,’ I tell him.
    When we’re alone again, I look across at Johnny. He’s distinctly unimpressed.
    ‘What?’ I ask.
    ‘I don’t like it that he has to call me by my first name.’
    I sigh, wearily.
    ‘I don’t,’ he continues obstinately.
    ‘We can’t do anything about that now,’ I say calmly. ‘It’s too soon. Anyway, it’s not like he can even say “Daddy” yet.’
    ‘But he will learn. Probably soon. And technically the term applies to me.’ Not Christian, he refrains from adding.
    ‘Be patient,’ I plead.
    ‘I don’t want to be patient,’ he bites back.
    ‘Well, of course not.’ Sarcasm kicks in. ‘You’re used to getting everything you want, aren’t you?’
    Barney grizzles.
    ‘Sorry, baby.’ I instantly come out of my mood. I know I’m being a bitch. I glance at Johnny. ‘Sorry,’ I mouth.
    He starts to cut up his toasted ham and cheese sandwich. ‘Not everything,’ he murmurs.
    What’s that supposed to mean?
    The chateau staff clear the spa area in advance for us so we have the swimming pool to ourselves. It’s in a beautiful ornate glasshouse and it’s heated to just the right temperature.
    Despite the fact that Barney is in my arms and consequently covering a large portion of my body, I feel self-conscious as I walk down the steps into the pool. Johnny is already waiting in the water.
    ‘Can he swim yet?’ he asks me.
    I can’t help but laugh. ‘He can’t even walk.’
    ‘Well, I don’t know,’ he says defensively.
    ‘No, that’s true.’ I try to keep a straight face. ‘Why would you?’
    ‘Exactly. I haven’t been around kids before.’
    ‘You’re coping with this far better than I ever thought you would.’ I find myself speaking frankly.
    He nods slightly, staring at Barney. ‘I can’t believe how much he looks like me. When did you know?’ He gives me an inquisitive look. ‘For sure.’
    I take a deep breath. ‘When his eyes turned green. It was about six months ago, maybe a bit longer.’
    ‘Jesus, Meg,’ he breathes.
    ‘Language,’ I berate, for want of anything else to say.
    ‘Can I hold him?’ he asks, opening up his arms.
    ‘You want to swim to Johnny?’ I ask Barney and don’t wait for his answer before zooming him at breakneck speed around in a circle and over to his bio-dad. He’s giggling by the time he reaches him. Johnny repeats the action and zooms him back to me.
    It’s not long before I acknowledge to myself that I’m having a nice time, and then, of course, the guilt kicks in.
    ‘I guess we should set off soon,’ I say reluctantly.
    Johnny’s face falls. ‘You can’t stay a bit longer?’
    ‘We should get back,’ I reply. I walk to the steps and climb out, feeling self-conscious again. I grab a towel and quickly wrap it around myself before tending to Barney.
    ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ Johnny asks, reaching for a towel and patting himself dry. He doesn’t bother to cover up his body. He’s toned and tanned and has been told time and time again that he’s one of the fittest guys on