Baltimore 03 - Did You Miss Me?

Jo.
    It was the final point that silenced his opposition. If Beckett had taken more girls between Kelly and Heather, Daphne would internalize their loss, even though her mind logically knew it wasn’t her fault. He knew firsthand that the heart sometimes didn’t care what the mind knew. Bringing home other people’s missing loved ones hadn’t brought back Jo, but it did help him deal with the lingering guilt.
    So he’d agreed, reluctantly. ‘What are you thinking about?’ he asked quietly.
    She didn’t move her gaze away from O’Hurley’s car in front of them. ‘That I could have stopped Beckett. That all I had to do was tell his name. And I keep thinking, would that really have been so hard to do?’
    ‘I’d have to say yes,’ Joseph said. ‘Or you would have done it.’
    Her swallow was audible. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
    ‘Daphne,’ he said gently. ‘How many times have you worked with a victim who had opportunities to tell, but didn’t? Women assaulted by a stranger or by someone they thought they knew. Children abused by someone they trusted – a priest, a coach, a relative. Their lives become insular. They’re alone, even when surrounded by people.’
    ‘Sometimes even when they’re surrounded by the people who love them.’
    ‘Exactly. If they let on that they’re afraid or hurt, what little control they have over the situation is also gone. It’s victim psychology that you’ve seen hundreds of times in your work.’ He took her hand, squeezed it lightly. ‘Is it so hard to accept that you’re not so different from the people you fight so hard to protect?’
    There was shocked silence on her side of the SUV. Long seconds later she shuddered out a breath. ‘I never saw myself that way. But I was. I am. Exactly like they are. Why was that so hard for me to see before?’
    Joseph was quiet for a moment. ‘You feel their pain, see the world through their eyes, but you never see your own face. Now you hold a mirror in your hands. And now you can see yourself, too.’
    Again she was silent for long seconds. But this time she was considering, not shocked. ‘How did you come to understand this?’ she finally asked.
    ‘Because I finally saw myself. Every time I worked an abduction case it ripped open old wounds. I felt the family’s terror, their despair. I felt their panic, the ticking of the clock. The hope every time there was a lead.’
    ‘And the devastation when the lead didn’t pan out?’
    ‘That too. The last abduction case, before I moved to Homeland, I got too involved. And I finally snapped. I spied the kidnapper collecting the ransom but he sniffed me out, wouldn’t lead me back to the child. I lost it. Used my fists on him to get him to tell me. I could have killed him. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but . . .’ He shrugged. ‘We got the little girl back untouched, physically at least, and I earned the devotion of her family forever.’ One corner of his mouth lifted. ‘And all the pasta carbonara I can eat for the rest of my life.’
    ‘Giuseppe? The guy who owns the Italian place you and Grayson like so much?’
    ‘He’s the girl’s uncle. He was very grateful. But I couldn’t do that kind of work anymore. It got to the point where every victim was Jo. It was tearing me apart. It was just a matter of time before I exploded. Almost killing that kidnapper . . . that was my mirror. I saw myself and was terrified. So I got out for a while.’
    ‘This case . . . Joseph,’ she said, dismayed. ‘It’s everything you wanted to escape. You said you transferred into VCET for me. I don’t want you to—’
    ‘Sshh. It’s been okay. I’m worried more for you. This case hasn’t been about me finding the abductee because I didn’t save Jo. This case has been about finding your son. For you. And finding the lost girls. For . . . themselves.’
    ‘That’s good,’ she said softly. ‘I’d hate for you to be reliving Paris every day.’
    ‘I hate that you have to relive your past every time you stand for a victim by prosecuting all the murderers and rapists and general scum of the earth. But knowing what it costs you to do your job . . . It humbles me even as it comforts me. I know there will be times when this job gets to me again. But at least now I have someone to talk to at night. Someone who can keep me centered and won’t let me bring anyone else into the bed with us. I want to be that someone for you.’
    ‘I want that too.