Birdy

have anything to say about it.’
    I was always so damned sure about being myself and how nobody was going to make me be, or do, anything I didn’t want; now here I am. I’m not much different from my old man when you come to think about it. There’s nobody original and there’s nothing left so we can even fool ourselves.
    ‘You know, Birdy, it wouldn’t matter if I hadn’t been doing such a good job kidding myself all those years. I wouldn’t care so much; but I feel like such a jerk. You’re the same, you know. It’s terrible to see how easy it is for them to make us like everybody else. They put some clothes on us, give us a rifle, teach us some tricks and then we’re just names on a company roster, somebody to schedule for K.P. or guard duty or a patrol. They finish us off with a discharge or put us on a casualty list or whatever happens and it doesn’t matter who we are or were.’
    It’s going to take me a long time to convince myself that Alfonso Columbato is anything but another piece of moving meat with a fancy electronic control system. It’ll be hard for me to believe in myself as something separate again.
    ‘And what the hell does any of it matter? Where’s it all leading to anyhow? Look at you! Either you stay like this and they feed you and keep you warm all your life or you get better; join the human race again. If you stay back there in that fake bird-brain of yours, they have it all worked out, you’ll be written into some budget as a loss. If you come back, so you go to school, or take a job, or start raising canaries again; it doesn’t matter. Everything’s been arranged for. You’ll be fit in before you can think about it.
    ‘Even if you could reach down and bite your own jugular vein, they have a whole system with forms to fill out and everything; it’s just another kind of thing they expect. I don’t even know who they are except all other human beings, including us.’
    I stop. What’s the use talking about it. I only want Birdy to know he’s not alone thinking the world is shitty. Maybe if he knows I’m with him, that he’s not the only one who knows, it might help.
    ‘Look, Birdy. I’m going to have another operation on my face next week. That means I’ll have to leave here. I’ll only be staying around another day or two. If I stay any longer, they’ll probably lock me up in one of these rooms. That shit, Weiss, is getting close. I don’t know what he’ll think if he ever gets a really good look into my head.
    ‘You watch out for him, Birdy, he’s one smart son-of-a-bitch. He gets inside when you aren’t expecting it. He’s got you figured for at least one paper at the next psychiatric convention. He doesn’t want to cure you, he wants to keep you just like this. Your advantage is, he doesn’t know you’re a bird. When he figures that one out, you’re in trouble.
    ‘He’ll probably have some kind of giant bird cage made for you, with perches, feeding cups, and everything. He’ll search out that old pigeon suit of yours and have you shipped air freight at army expense to the big conference. He’ll keep you in this cage and lecture on the “bird boy”. When he’s finished with you he’ll probably sell you to a circus.
    ‘I can see it all. There’s the blare of trumpets and an elephant, all dressed in sequins, pulling a little cart. The cart is painted red and black; on top is a golden bird cage. The circus orchestra is playing “He’s Only a Bird in a Gilded Cage”, and there you are, all decked out in a bird costume, only this time it’s a canary costume. Ten thousand canaries will have been defeathered to make this costume. You’ll hop from perch to perch, do some peeping and maybe warble a few songs for the people. They’ll have a giant-sized nest and you’ll jump into it and try hatching some eggs the size of medicine balls. As a finale, a dwarf clownjumps out of one of these balls, dressed like a miniature bird, and thumps you on the head with a rubber worm. You’ll get all the birdseed you can eat.’
    I’m winding down but Birdy is definitely smiling.
    ‘You know, Birdy; your old lady actually sent all those baseballs here? Having them sent was my idea; I hope you don’t mind. I told Weiss it might help you come around. Now I don’t know what the hell to tell him. He’s liable to put those baseballs and you together and figure it out.
    ‘Think of it. She had those balls all the time. Renaldi says they’re moldy, so she