Carpe Jugulum

to take my word for it. Duck, you thuckerth!”
    The vampires dived for cover as the bottle, turning over and over, arced down from the battlements.
    It shattered on the bridge, and most of the contents hit a vampire, who burst into flame as if hit by burning oil.
    “Now really , Cryptopher, there’s no call for that sort of thing,” said the Count, as the blazing figure screamed and spun around in a circle. “It’s all in your mind, you know. Positive thinking, that’s the ticket…”
    “He’s turning black,” said the Countess. “Aren’t you going to do something?”
    “Oh, very well. Vlad, just kick him off the drawbridge, will you?”
    The luckless Cryptopher was pushed, squirming, into the chasm.
    “You know, that should not have happened,” said the Count, looking at his blistered fingers. “He obviously was not…truly one of us.” Far below, there was a splash.
    The rest of the vampires scrambled for the cover of the gate arch as another bottle exploded near the Count. A drop splashed his leg, and he glanced down at the little wisp of smoke.
    “Some error appears to have crept in,” he said.
    “I’ve never been one to put myself forward,” said the Countess, “but I strongly suggest you find a new plan, dear. One which works, perhaps?”
    “I have one already formed,” he said, tapping his knuckles against the huge oak gates. “If everyone would perhaps stand aside…”
    Up on the battlement Igor nudged Nanny Ogg, who lowered a decanter of water from the Holy Fountain of Seven-Handed Sek and followed his pointing thumb. *
    Clouds were suddenly spiraling, with blue light flashing inside them.
    “There’th going to be a thtorm!” he said. “The top of my head’th tingling! Run!”
    They reached the tower just as a single bolt of lightning blew the doors apart and shattered the stones where they had been standing.
    “Well, that was easy,” said Nanny, lying full length on the floor.
    “They can control the weather,” said Igor.
    “Blast!” said Nanny. “That’s right. Everyone knows that, who knows anything about vampires.”
    “Thorry. But they won’t be able to try that on the inthide doorth. Come on!”
    “What’s that smell?” said Nanny, sniffing. “Igor, your boots are on fire!”
    “Damn! And thethe feet were nearly new thicth montth ago,” said Igor, as Nanny’s holy water sizzled over the smoking leather. “It’th my wire, it pickth up thtray currentth.”
    “What happened, someone was hit by a falling buffalo?” said Nanny, as they hurried down the stairs.
    “It wath a tree,” said Igor reproachfully. “Mikhail Thwenitth up at the logging camp, the poor man. Practically nothing left, but hith parentth thaid I could have hith feet to remember him by.”
    “That was strangely kind of them.”
    “Well, I gave him a thpare arm after the acthe acthident a few yearth ago and when old Mr. Thwenitth’th liver gave out I let him have the one Mr. Kochak left to me for giving Mithith Kochak a new eye.”
    “People round here don’t so much die as pass on,” said Nanny.
    “What goeth around cometh around,” said Igor.

“And your new plan is…?” said Lacrimosa, stepping across the rubble.
    “We’ll kill everyone. Not an original plan, I admit, but tried and tested,” said the Count. This met with general approval, but his daughter looked unsatisfied.
    “What, everyone? All at once?”
    “Oh, you can save some for later if you must.”
    The Countess clutched his arm.
    “Oh, this does so remind me of our honeymoon,” she said. “Don’t you remember those wonderful nights in Grjsknvij?”
    “Oh, fresh morning of the world indeed,” said the Count, solemnly.
    “Such romance…and we met such lovely people, too. Do you remember Mr. and Mrs. Harker?”
    “Very fondly. I recall they lasted nearly all week. Now, listen all of you. Holy symbols will not hurt us. Holy water is just water—yes, I know, but Cryptopher just wasn’t concentrating. Garlic is just another member of the allium family. Do onions hurt us? Are we frightened of shallots? No. We’ve just got a bit tired, that’s all. Malicia, call up the rest of the clan. We will have a little holiday from reason. And afterward, in the morning, there will be room for a new world order I can’t be having with this at all…”
    He rubbed his forehead. The Count prided himself on his mind, and tended it carefully. But right now it felt exposed, as though someone was looking over his