Carpe Jugulum

shoulder. He wasn’t certain he was thinking right. She couldn’t have got into his head, could she? He’d had hundreds of years of experience. There was no way some village witch could get past his defenses. It stood to reason…
    His throat felt parched. At least he could obey the call of his nature. But this time it was an oddly disquieting one.
    “Do we have any…tea?” he said.
    “What is tea?” said the Countess.
    “It…grows on a bush, I think,” said the Count.
    “How do you bite it, then?”
    “You…er…lower it into boiling water, don’t you?” The Count shook his head, trying to free himself of this demonic urge.
    “While it’s still alive?” said Lacrimosa, brightening up.
    “…sweet biscuits…” mumbled the Count.
    “I think you should try to get a grip, dear,” said the Countess.
    “This…tea,” said Lacrimosa. “Is it…brown?”
    “…yes…” whispered the Count.
    “Because when we were in Escrow I was going to put the bite on one of them and I had this horrible mental picture of a cup full of the wretched stuff,” said his daughter.
    The Count shook himself again.
    “I don’t know what’s happening to me,” he said. “So let’s stick to what we do know, shall we? Obey our blood…”

The second casualty in the battle for the castle was Vargo, a lank young man who actually become a vampire because he thought he’d meet interesting girls, or any girls at all, and had been told he looked good in black. And then he’d found that a vampire’s interests always center, sooner or later, on the next meal, and hitherto he’d never really thought of the neck as the most interesting organ a girl could have.
    Right now all he wanted to do was sleep, so as the vampires surged into the castle proper he sauntered gently away in the direction of his cellar and nice comfortable coffin. Of course he was hungry, since all he’d got in Escrow was a foot in the chest, but he had just enough sense of self-preservation to let the others get on with the hunting so that he could turn up later for the feast.
    His coffin was in the center of the dim cellar, its lid lying carelessly on the floor beside it. He’d always been messy with the bedclothes, even as a human.
    Vargo climbed in, twisted and turned a few times to get comfortable on the pillow, then pulled the lid down and latched it.
    As the eye of narrative drew back from the coffin on its stand, two things happened. One happened comparatively slowly, and this was Vargo’s realization that he never recalled the coffin having a pillow before.
    The other was Greebo deciding that he was as mad as hell and wasn’t going to take it anymore. He’d been shaken around in the wheely thing and then sat on by Nanny, and he was angry about that because he knew, in a dim animal way, that scratching Nanny might be the single most stupid thing he could do in the whole world, since no one else was prepared to feed him. This hadn’t helped his temper.
    Then he’d encountered a dog, which had tried to lick him. He’d scratched and bitten it a few times, but this had no effect apart from encouraging it to try to be more friendly.
    He’d finally found a comfy resting place and had curled up into a ball, and now someone was using him as a cushion—
    There wasn’t a great deal of noise. The coffin rocked a few times, and then pivoted around.
    Greebo sheathed his claws, and went back to sleep.

“—burn, with a clear bright light—”
    Splash, suck, splash.
    “—and I in mine…Om be praised.”
    Squelch, splash.
    Oats had worked his way through most of the hymns he knew, even the old ones which you shouldn’t really sing anymore but you nevertheless remembered because the words were so good. He sang them loudly and defiantly, to hold back the night and the doubts. They helped take his mind off the weight of Granny Weatherwax. It was amazing how much she’d apparently gained in the last mile or so, especially whenever he fell over and she landed on top of him.
    He lost one of his own boots in a mire. His hat was floating in a pool somewhere. Thorns had ripped his coat to tatters—
    He slipped and fell once again as the mud shifted under his feet. Granny rolled off, and landed in a clump of sedge.
    If Brother Melchio could only see him now…
    The wowhawk swooped past and landed on the branch of a dead tree, a few yards away. Oats hated the thing. It appeared demonic. It flew even though it surely couldn’t see through the hood.