Carpe Jugulum

began.
    “No, not exactly. Just people,” said Vlad. “One learns, one learns. One picks things up.” He flung himself down on a sofa, one leg over the arm, and stared thoughtfully at her.
    “Things will be changing, Agnes Nitt,” he said. “My father is right. Why lurk in dark castles? Why be ashamed? We’re vampires. Or, rather, vamp y res. Father’s a bit keen on the new spelling. He says it indicates a clean break with a stupid and superstitious past. In any case, it’s not our fault. We were born vampires.”
    “I thought you became—”
    “—vampires by being bitten? Dear me, no. Oh, we can turn people into vampires, it’s an easy technique, but what would be the point? When you eat…now what is it you eat? Oh yes, chocolate…you don’t want to turn it into another Agnes Nitt, do you? Less chocolate to go around.” He sighed. “Oh dear, superstition, superstition everywhere we turn. Isn’t it true that we’ve been here at least ten minutes and your neck is quite free of anything except a small amount of soap you didn’t wash off?”
    Agnes’s hand flew to her throat.
    “We notice these things,” said Vlad. “And now we’re here to notice them. Oh, Father is powerful in his way, and quite an advanced thinker, but I don’t think even he is aware of the possibilities . I can’t tell you how good it is to be out of that place, Miss Nitt. The werewolves…oh dear, the werewolves…Marvelous people, it goes without saying, and of course the Baron has a certain rough style, but really…give them a good deer hunt, a warm spot in front of the fire and a nice big bone and the rest of the world can go hang. We have done our best, we really have. No one has done more than Father to bring our part of the country into the Century of the Fruitbat—”
    “It’s nearly over—” Agnes began.
    “Perhaps that’s why he’s so keen,” said Vlad. “The place is just full of…well, remnants. I mean…centaurs? Really! They’ve got no business surviving. They’re out of place. And frankly all the lower races are just as bad. The trolls are stupid, the dwarfs are devious, the pixies are evil and the gnomes stick in your teeth. Time they were gone. Driven out. We have great hopes of Lancre.” He looked around disdainfully. “After some redecoration.”
    Agnes looked back at Nanny and her sons. They were listening quite contentedly to the worst music since Shawn Ogg’s bagpipes had been dropped down the stairs.
    “And…you’re taking our country?” she said. “Just like that?”
    Vlad gave her another smile, stood up, and walked toward her. “Oh yes. Bloodlessly. Well…metaphorically. You really are quite remarkable, Miss Nitt. The Uberwald girls are so sheep-like. But you…you’re concealing something from me. Everything I feel tells me you’re quite under my power—and yet you’re not.” He chuckled. “This is delightful…”
    Agnes felt her mind unraveling. The pink fog was blowing through her head…
    …and looming out of it, deadly and mostly concealed, was the iceberg of Perdita.
    As Agnes withdrew into the pinkness she felt the tingle spread down her arms and legs. It was not pleasant. It was like sensing someone standing right behind you, and then feeling them take one step forward.
    Agnes would have pushed him away. That is, Agnes would have dithered and tried to talk her way out of things, but if push had come to shove then she’d have pushed hard. But Perdita struck, and when her hand was halfway around she turned it palm out and curled her fingers to bring her nails into play…
    He caught her wrist, his hand moving in a blur.
    “Well done ,” he said, laughing.
    His other hand shot out and caught her other arm as it swung.
    “I like a woman with spirit!”
    However, he had run out of hands, and Perdita still had a knee in reserve. Vlad’s eyes crossed and he made that small sound best recorded as “ghni…”
    “Magnificent!” he croaked as he folded up.
    Perdita pulled herself away and ran over to Nanny Ogg, grabbing the woman’s arm.
    “Nanny, we are leaving !”
    “Are we, dear?” said Nanny calmly, not making a move.
    “And Jason and Darren too!”
    Perdita didn’t read as much as Agnes. She thought books were boring . But now she really needed to know: what did you use against vampires?
    Holy symbols! Agnes prompted from within.
    Perdita looked around desperately. Nothing in the room looked particularly holy. Religion, apart from its use as a