Carpe Jugulum

said Perdita. What’s wrong with this woodcut?
    Somehow, Agnes couldn’t bring herself to blurt out a warning. Apart from anything else, the chair looked wobbly.
    “Little Esme’s only two weeks old,” said Agnes. “Isn’t that a bit young for education?”
    “Never too early to start, he says. What can I do for you?”
    “We need you to come with us. Right now.”
    “Why?” said Magrat, and to Agnes’s relief she stepped down from the chair.
    “Why? Magrat, there’s vampires in the castle! The Magpyr family are vampires !”
    “Don’t be silly, they’re very pleasant people. I was talking to the Countess only this morning—”
    “What about?” Agnes demanded. “I bet you can’t remember!”
    “I am Queen, Agnes,” said Magrat reproachfully.
    “Sorry, but they affect people’s minds—”
    “Yours?”
    “Um, no, not mine. I have—I’m—It seems I’m immune,” Agnes lied.
    “And his?” said Magrat sharply.
    “I am protected by my faith in Om,” said Oats.
    Magrat raised her eyebrows at Agnes. “Is he?”
    Agnes shrugged. “Apparently.”
    Magrat leaned closer. “He’s not drunk, is he? He’s holding two beer bottles.”
    “They’re full of holy water,” Agnes whispered.
    “Verence said Omnianism seemed a very sensible and stable religion,” hissed Magrat.
    They both looked at Oats, mentally trying the words on him for size.
    “Are we leaving?” he said.
    “Of course not,” snapped Magrat, straightening up. “This is silly, Agnes. I’m a married woman, I’m Queen, I’ve got a little baby. And you come in here telling me we’ve got vampires! I’ve got guests here and—”
    “The guests are vampires , your majesty,” said Agnes. “The King invited them!”
    “Verence says we have to learn to deal with all sorts of people—”
    “We think Granny Weatherwax is in very bad trouble,” said Agnes.
    Magrat stopped. “How bad?” she said.
    “Nanny Ogg is very worried. Quite snappish. She says it needs three of us to find Granny.”
    “Well, I—”
    “And Granny’s taken the box, whatever that means,” said Agnes.
    “The one she keeps in the dresser?”
    “Yes. Nanny wouldn’t tell me much about what was in it.”
    Magrat opened up her hands like an angler measuring a medium-sized fish.
    “The polished wooden box? About this size?”
    “I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. Nanny seemed to think it was important. She didn’t say what was in it,” Agnes repeated, just in case Magrat hadn’t got the hint.
    Magrat clasped her hands together and looked down, biting her knuckles. When she looked up her face was set with purpose. She pointed at Oats.
    “ You find a bag or something and empty into it all the stuff in the top drawer over there, and take the potty, and the little truck, oh, and the stuffed animals, and the bag of nappies, and the bag for used nappies, and the bath, and the bag with the towels, and the box of toys, and the wind-up things, and the musical box, and the bag with the little suits, oh, and the woolly hat, and you , Agnes, find something we can make into a sling. You came up the back stairs? We’ll go down the same way.”
    “What do we need a sling for?”
    Magrat leaned over the crib and picked up the baby, wrapped in a blanket.
    “I’m not going to leave her here, am I?” she said.
    There was a clatter from the direction of Mightily Oats. He already had both arms full, and a large stuffed rabbit in his teeth.
    “Do we need all of that?” said Agnes.
    “You never know,” said Magrat.
    “Even the box of toys?”
    “Verence thinks she might be an early developer,” said Magrat.
    “She’s a couple of weeks old!”
    “Yes, but stimulus at an early age is vital to the development of the growing brain,” said Magrat, laying baby Esme on the table and shuffling her into a romper suit. “Also, we have to get on top of her hand–eye coordination as soon as possible. It’s no good just letting things slide. Oh yes…If you can bring the little slide, too. And the yellow rubber duck. And the sponge in the shape of a teddy bear. And the teddy bear in the shape of a sponge.”
    There was another crash from the mound around Oats.
    “Why’s the box so important?” said Agnes.
    “Not important as such,” said Magrat. She looked over her shoulder. “Oh, and put in that rag doll, will you? I’m sure she’s focusing on it. Oh blast…the red bag has got the medicines in it, thank you…What was it you asked