Carpe Jugulum

’cos I’ve seen it in there—”
    “I faw her fick it uff—” Magrat removed a safety pin from her mouth. “I saw her pick that thing up years ago,” she tried again. “It was around this time of year, too. We were walking back through the woods and there was a shooting star and this sort of light fell off it and we went to look and there it was. It looked like a flame but she was able to pick it up.”
    “Sounds like a firebird feather,” said Nanny. “There used to be old stories about them. They pass through here. But if you touch their feathers, you’d better be damn sure of yourself, because the old stories say they burn in the presence of evil—”
    “Firebird? You mean a phoenix?” said Agnes. “Hodgesaargh was going on about one.”
    “Haven’t seen one go over for years,” said Nanny. “Sometimes you’d see two or three at a time when I was girl, just lights flying high up in the sky.”
    “No, no, the phoenix…there’s only one of it, that’s the whole point,” said Agnes.
    “One of anything’s no bloody use,” said Nanny.
    Granny Weatherwax smacked her lips, like someone emerging from a very deep sleep. Her eyelids flickered.
    “Ah, I knew opening her box’d work,” said Nanny happily.
    Granny Weatherwax’s eyes opened. She stared straight up for a moment, and then swiveled them toward Nanny Ogg.
    “W’t’r,” she mumbled. Agnes hastily passed her the water bottle. She touched Granny’s fingers, and they were as chilly as stone.
    The old witch took a gulp.
    “Oh. It’s you three,” she whispered. “Why did you come here?”
    “You told us to,” said Agnes.
    “No I didn’t!” Granny snapped. “Wrote you a note, did I?”
    “No, but the stuff—” Agnes stopped. “Well, we thought you wanted us to.”
    “Three witches?” said Granny. “Well, no reason why not. The maiden, the mother and the—”
    “Go carefully,” Nanny Ogg warned.
    “—the other one,” said Granny. “That’s up to you, I’m sure. It’s not something about which I would venture any sort of opinion. So I expect you’ve got some dancin’ to be doing, and good day to you. I’ll have my pillow back, thank you very much.”
    “You know there’s vampires in Lancre?” Nanny demanded.
    “Yes. They got invited.”
    “You know they’re taking over?”
    “Yes!”
    “So why did you run away up here?” said Agnes.
    The temperature of a deep cave should remain constant, but suddenly this one was a lot colder.
    “I can go where I like,” said Granny.
    “Yes, but you ought—” Agnes began. She wished she could bite the word back, but it was too late.
    “Oh, ought , is it? Where does it say ought ? I don’t remember it saying ought anywhere. Anyone going to tell me where it says ought ? There’s lots of things that ought , I dare say. But they ain’t .”
    “You know a magpie stole your invite?” said Nanny. “Shawn delivered it okay, but them thieving devils had it away and into a nest.”
    She flourished the crumpled, smudged yet gold-laden invitation.
    In the moment of silence Agnes fancied she could hear the stalactites grow.
    “Yes, of course I did,” said Granny. “Worked that out first thing.” But the moment had been just slightly too long, and just slightly too quiet.
    “And you know Verence got an Omnian priest in to do the naming of young Esme?”
    Again…fractionally too long, infinitesimally too silent.
    “You know I put my mind to business,” said Granny. She glanced at the baby sitting on Magrat’s lap.
    “Why’s she got a pointy head?” she said.
    “It’s the little hood Nanny knitted for her,” said Magrat. “It’s meant to look like that. Would you like to hold her?”
    “She looks comfortable where she is,” said Granny diffidently.
    She didn’t know the baby’s name! Perdita whispered. I told you! Nanny thinks Granny’s been in the baby’s mind, I can tell by the way she’s been looking at her, but if she did she’d know the name and she doesn’t, I swear. She wouldn’t do anything that might hurt a child…
    Granny shook herself. “Anyway, if there’s a problem, well, you’ve got your three witches. It doesn’t say anywhere that one of them ought ,” she nodded at Agnes, “to be Granny Weatherwax. You sort it out. I’ve been witching in these parts for altogether too long and it’s time to…move on…do something else…”
    “You’re going to hide up here?” said Magrat.
    “I’m not going to keep on