Coda 05 -Paris a to Z

sorry, Ang,” I said. “I didnt mean—”
“Shut up, Zach,” he said. His words were harsh, but his voice was gentle. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight, and I felt my control breaking. Emotions Id been fighting since wed arrived in Paris— maybe longer—welled up in my chest, threatening to suffocate me. The shame of not having been strong enough to make Jonathan happy, and the guilt for having hurt him so much, and the pain of losing him when all along, Id loved him so much. Angelos voice was a quiet whisper in my ear. “Just let it go,” he said. And the next thing I knew, I was sobbing in his arms. I had no strength to stop it. I gripped handfuls of his T-shirt, buried my face in his chest, and lost myself to the grief. My whole body shook with the force of it, and he only held me tighter.
Id comforted him many times, but now our positions were reversed. For the first time ever, it was me who was broken and him making soothing sounds in my ear as he held me. “I know how much you loved him, Zach,” he said quietly. “I know how much it hurts.”
And my sweet Angelo, who only two years earlier couldnt even bear to hear Jons name, comforted me while I finally mourned what Id lost twelve years before.
    I T WAS a good thing I had a few hours to get my shit together after that. Angelo eventually led me to the bed. I didnt believe at first that I could possibly sleep after what had happened, but I did. He woke me gently an hour later. “Go shower, Zach,” he said. “I ordered lunch. Itll be here in ten minutes.”
    The shower and the food helped immensely. After I ate, I lay down on the couch with my head in his lap. I still found it hard to meet his eyes. His hand landed gently on my head, and his fingers ran through my hair. It felt nice.
    “Tell me what happened,” he said.
“Nothing.”
“ Don’t lie! ”
“Angelo, I cant—”
“Did you really go jogging?”
“Yes.”
“Did you go back to his room?”
“ No! ”
“Did he kiss you?”
“No.” But I knew I hesitated a heartbeat too long.
“Did you kiss him?”
“No,” I said, but it was only a whisper.
“Zach?” he prompted.
It was hard, but I did it. I took a deep breath and said, “I wanted to.”

    I braced myself, waiting for him to yell or push me away. But he didnt. “Do you still love him?”
“No.” And that was the truth.
“Do you want him back, Zach? Do you want to go over to his room
    and beg him to leave Cole for you?”
“ No! ”
“So it was only a moment or two? Not the whole trip?” “Not the whole trip.”
A second of silence, and then in a softer voice he asked, “Do you
    still love me, Zach?”
“More than anything.”
His fingers continued to move through my hair, soft and reassuring.
    “Then were fine,” he said quietly. “Were absolutely perfect.”
    His gentle words caused my eyes to fill with tears again, and I angrily wiped them away. I made myself sit up and face him. “How can you not be mad?”
    He shrugged. “I dont know, Zach. I dont have any ex-boyfriends out there anywhere, so I dont know whats normal and whats not. But seems to me that til now, you only remembered the bad stuff with Jon. And yet, you were with him three years. I know you loved him. There mustve been good times too.
    “Its different when were home, and hes in Arizona. You can pretend it never happened. But we been here with him five days now. Thats a lotta time to have to spend with him. And the fact that you had a moment or two where you finally remembered somethin good ? Or maybe found yourself wonderin what mightve been? I cant say Im exactly thrilled about it. But I dont think I can be mad, either, Zach. I think it probably just makes you human.”
    It was such a relief. It felt like all the weight Id been carrying since wed learned about the trip was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I loved him at that moment more than ever, although I wouldnt have believed it possible. I took his hand. I leaned over to kiss his palm. “You amaze me,” I told him. “Every single day.”

    He used his hand on my cheek to guide me back up, forcing me to face him again, and for the first time in I didnt know how long, I saw a hint of fear in his eyes. It was something Id seen a lot in our first few months together. Id seen it less and less since Vegas. I didnt know when Id stopped seeing it completely, but it had been long enough that it surprised me now. It was small, only a ghost of what it used to be, but it was