Coda 05 -Paris a to Z

stepped too close to that piece of us that we could not face, and we didnt talk again for at least a mile.
    When we were almost back to the hotel, he stopped at a café for a bottle of water. I couldnt help watching him as he drank it. I still found him attractive, although not in the purely exotic way that Angelo was. Jon was more the boy next door, always with his hair well cut and his clothes just right.
    Even in the cold morning air, he was sweating from the run, and the dark hair at his temples stuck to his skin. I thought about all the mornings wed returned from runs and fallen into bed together, hot and sweaty and so crazy about each other we could hardly get our clothes off fast enough. We always showered together afterward.
    Sweat ran down his neck as he drank half the bottle, and I remembered what it felt like to run my lips up his throat, and the way his Adams apple felt underneath my tongue. I remembered the way he tasted, and the way one hand always gripped my thigh as he pushed into me. I felt my body stir a bit at that thought, and I immediately felt guilty.
    “Zach,” he said, interrupting my thoughts. He was holding the bottled water out to me. I took it, feeling myself blush. His eyes on me were incredibly intense, and I had the uncomfortable feeling that he knew what Id been thinking. Even worse, I could feel his eyes on me as I took my drink of water. I couldnt help but wonder what memory jumped into his mind. Was it the way Id kissed him, or the sounds I made when we made love? Or was it the way Id turned away when hed asked me who Id been with the night before?
    Id loved him so much.
I almost choked on the water, and I had to fight hard against a sudden lump in my throat. “Are you okay?” he asked. I closed my eyes
    and took a deep, shaking breath of air. When I looked at him again, I didnt see desire in his eyes. I didnt see condemnation either. I saw sympathy.
    “Zach,” he said, stepping close to me and taking my hand. “It doesnt have to be like this.”
And God help me, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. I wanted to go back to the hotel and undress him one more time and forget the twelve years that wed lost. But hot on its heels came the guilt.
I closed my eyes, pulling away, stepping backward and almost knocking over some poor old woman walking by.
I hated myself. What I had done to him was bad enough. But how could I even think about going back now? He was about to marry Cole. And I had Angelo. Angelo, who I loved unconditionally. Who loved me unconditionally. I would have done anything for him. And yet, for just a moment there, Id forgotten about him completely. Id betrayed him. And the fact that he never had to know about it didnt change a thing.
“Zach?” Jon said, but I turned away. I walked away, and left him there alone. I was relieved when he let me go.
I COULDN T go back to the hotel. I couldnt face Angelo. I was sure that
    he would take one look at me and somehow know what I had done. He would look in my eyes and see the desire I had felt for another man. And not just any man either, but Jonathan, the man hed always been jealous of.
    It was absurd. I didnt want Jonathan back. Not really. It was far too late to try to reclaim what we might have had, and I wouldnt have given up Angelo for anything. But I couldnt help wondering how different my life would be if I had only faced Jonathan rather than driving him away.
    I wandered aimlessly until I started to get cold. I was wearing only my jogging clothes, and while theyd been enough to keep me warm as I ran, now that I was walking, they were completely insufficient. I was getting hungry too. I stopped walking and looked around. Id been stumbling around with my eyes on the past, and now I was completely lost.
    The buildings around me didnt help at all. Everything looked the same. I went to the next intersection, looking for a landmark, hoping to find anything that looked familiar. I could see the Tuileries Gardens only a block or two ahead, with the sun glinting off the Seine on the other side. That meant the hotel was behind me, but I wasnt sure if I needed to go

    east or west. I checked the street signs, although I had no idea why. Knowing what street I was on told me nothing. I cursed myself for never having paid attention when we were out walking around. Id blindly followed wherever Cole led, never bothering to actually get my bearings in the city.
    It took me another hour of wandering to find the