Coda 05 -Paris a to Z

because I hadnt yet purchased a single gift. Angelo had already done most of his shopping online, so he spent the entire afternoon in a used book store while I shopped. He emerged at the end of the day with a plastic grocery bag stuffed full.
    “Look what I bought,” he said to me as we were driving home. He held out a book for me to see. It had a ridiculously outdated black cover. The title, which was printed in hot pink and neon orange bubble letters, said, Paris A to Z .
    “Is that a guidebook?”

    “Yeah. I found it in the travel section,” he said, and I thought it was funny that he was apparently quite proud of it.

    “How old is it?”

    He checked the copyright date, and grinned over at me. “ Really old,
    Zach. Came out the same year you were born.”
“Smartass.”
“You asked.”
“What goods that going to be?” I asked. “Shouldnt you buy a new
    one?”
“What, you think they moved the Eiffel Tower since then or
somethin? Maybe the Louvre went outta business?”
I still thought it was silly to rely on such an old book, but I didnt
want to do anything to dampen his enthusiasm.
Over the next few weeks, that outdated guidebook became his bible.
He studied it intently, marking pages and memorizing sections, almost as
    if he expected to be quizzed on it later. He read descriptions to me of at least a dozen churches.

    “Which one do you want to see most?” he asked.
    The truth was, I couldnt have cared less. “Whichever one you want to see most,” I told him. And that was the truth.
Matts birthday was in January, and he received the best present he could have asked for—an AFC Championship for his Kansas City Chiefs. His excitement was tainted though by the fact that Jon and Coles wedding was scheduled for the same day as the Super Bowl. Wed be leaving on the Tuesday before it, and coming home the following Wednesday, with the ceremony taking place on Super Bowl Sunday.
“You mean my team finally makes it through the playoffs, and Im going to miss the damn Super Bowl?” Matt asked in outrage.
Jared wasnt very sympathetic. Had it been the Broncos going to the Super Bowl, I knew he would have been just as upset. But since it was Matts team, Jared seemed to delight in being glib over Matts misery. “Im sure you can find a place to watch it,” he said.
“In Paris ?”
“Well record it and watch it when we get home,” Jared suggested, and then laughed when Matt stormed out of the room without answering him.
For myself, the weeks were full of uncertainty. I felt as if I was carrying an extra weight around inside my chest, and it seemed to get heavier every time I thought of having to face Jon.
I didnt want to see him again. That was what it all boiled down to.
My relationship with Jon had started out as many relationships do, in a state of sheer happiness. We were in college. We were each others strength when we came out to our families. We adored each other. We supported each other. It had been perfect.
But after graduation, everything changed. We moved to Arvada together, and adopted Geisha. We talked about marriage and a honeymoon trip to tour the Sonoma vineyards. I found the job at A to Z, and settled into what I thought would be a fun year for us.
It wasnt.
Although he never said it out loud, I knew Jon felt his homosexuality made him a disappointment to his parents, and he seemed to believe he could make up for it by throwing himself into his career. That would have been fine, if only he could have accepted that I had no desire to do the same. I knew from day one that he hated me working at the video store. He wanted me to do more. To be more. As the weeks turned into months, it became increasingly clear that our goals were different. And more importantly, my lack of goals embarrassed him. He was ashamed of me.
It had been unbelievably painful to realize that Id never be good enough for him. It made me angry and resentful, but I was stupidly passive-aggressive, and rather than confront him with it, Id embarked on a self-destructive quest to prove to him that Id never be the man he wanted me to be. He had hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him in return. Id been downright cruel in my need to drive him away.
Seeing him in Vegas had been a shock. I was pretty sure Angelo had no idea how hard it had been for me. What had surfaced wasnt just anger because hed hurt me. It wasnt just pain because Id lost him. What I felt, more than anything, was guilt because I knew Id broken his heart. And the