Coda 05 -Paris a to Z

worst part was, Id done it on purpose.
I hadnt been able to express any of that in Vegas. My sole concern in Vegas had been Angelo. Wed only been together for a few short months, and he was still so unsure, and so fragile. A quick fuck with Cole hadnt been a threat to us, but having to face my ex definitely was. Angelo had been extremely jealous of my past to begin with. Having to face it head-on was almost more than he could handle. So Id buried my pain, and my guilt, and instead Id latched on to my anger. Jons condescension toward Angelo, and his assumption that he was somehow the better of them had only helped fuel my rage, and I reveled in it, brandishing it, using it as both a shield and a sword in an attempt to prevent Jonathan from ruining the fragile life I was trying to build with Angelo. And it had worked.
The question was, could I do it again now? And would I need to?
I might have felt better about it if it wasnt for the fact that I was suddenly more worried about my relationship with Angelo than I had been in a very long time. Although on the surface nothing had changed, doubts had begun to plague me. Several times Id walked in to find him on the computer, only to have him quickly close the window. Every time, he said it was nothing, but it was obvious he was keeping some kind of secret from me.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” I asked the third time it happened.
“I know.”
“But you wont.” It wasnt even a question.
“No.”
“Is it something you think will make me mad?”
“No.”
“Should I be worried? Have you met somebody else?”
“Its nothin like that.”
“But you still dont want to tell me?”
His eyes closed for a minute while he thought about that, but then he opened them and said, “I will, Zach. I promise. Eventually.”
“But not yet?”
His cheeks turned red, but he didnt look away. “Not yet.”
I dropped it, not because I didnt care, but because I knew it would do me no good to push him. I told myself to be patient—he would tell me when he was ready.
And yet, I couldnt stop dread from growing in my chest.
I began to contemplate all of the things he could be doing online. The most obvious was porn. But once again, I could see no reason he would feel compelled to hide that from me. The second most obvious, despite his denial, was that he had met somebody online and was having a cyber-relationship. It seemed unlikely to me, given Angelos distrust of all people in general. And yet, it wasnt an impossibility.
I wracked my brain for other things he might be doing.
It had been nearly three years since Id first hired Angelo to work at A to Z. And if I thought hed worked a lot back in Arvada, it was nothing compared to the hours he put in now. Maybe he was tired of it. Maybe he was looking for a new job, but was afraid to tell me.
Hot on the tail of those thoughts came a more disturbing thought: maybe he was looking for a new place to live. Maybe he was planning on leaving me, but just hadnt found a place to go yet.
I knew I was probably being ridiculous, but I couldnt stop myself from wondering. It might have helped if Id been able to talk to somebody about it, but I didnt know who. I suspected Matt didnt know any more than I did, and if he did, he wouldnt tell me. I didnt feel I could talk to Jared about it. He and Angelo had mended fences after our Vegas trip. Still, I knew that Jared often thought that Angelo was immature. He never could understand that Angelos behavior with me had nothing to do with his physical age and everything in the world to do with his complete lack of experience in relationships. Regardless, I didnt want to give him any new reason to think less of the man I loved.
It ended up being Lizzy I talked to. It wasnt that Lizzy and I were particularly close, but she helped out at the shop several hours each week, along with Jareds and Matts mothers, and we would make small talk.
“Zach,” she said one day as she came into A to Z, “can I use the computer in your office to check my e-mail?”
“Help yourself.”
“Our computers down right now. Its driving me crazy. I normally play around online while James naps. I havent known what to do with myself the last few days.”
She tossed her purse under the counter and headed for the door to the back room. “Lizzy,” I said, “what do you do online? Besides check email?”
She stopped in the doorway and turned around to look at me, pushing her wavy blonde hair out of her face. “Lots of things.