Composing a Life

978-0-8021-9631-6
1. Life. I. Title.
BD431.B32 1989 302.5—dc20 89-6553
    Design by Tim O’Keeffe
    Grove Press
an imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
841 Broadway
New York, NY 10003
    Distributed by Publishers Group West
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This one is for Vanni.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

    T HIS BOOK is rooted in friendship. Whenever I open it, I will be reminded of what I owe to the four women whose lives, with my own, are mingled here. Ellen Bassuk, Johnnetta Cole, Alice d’Entremont, and Joan Erikson provided not only material for a book but also wisdom for my own life. I have tried to use the memories they entrusted to me in ways that would not damage their unfolding stories and the lives of others they care about. None of them has reviewed this material, so I must hope for their forgiveness for any error or infelicity, and I thank them for their trust and for the hours we spent together.
    Some of the narratives recounted here are painful or critical. They are based on individual points of view, so there are surely other points of view not represented. Thus, I find myself thanking those I did not interview, many of whom would have cooperated willingly, and apologizing to them for the choice of a narrow focus for this research. Beyond that, I want to acknowledge especially the individuals not mentioned here who helped me during crucial periods of my life. Portions of this book speak of Amherst College, and for all my criticisms, I want to emphasize the wealth of friendships and the decency and quality of mind I found in many there.
    I made a decision early on to organize my writing around the stories of women whose lives were productive and successful, but I learned as much from women I have known whose lives have been tragic. I want to take this opportunity to thank them for what they have taught me and to express the hope that through this work their experiences too will benefit others. I also want to thank all the other men and women who have talked to me about their lives, contributing to this process, and to wish them well.
    The narratives about individuals provide a framework for musings about the shape of individual lives, about relationships and commitments, and about gender. Extensive scholarly apparatus would be inappropriate for this format, but I want to note here that I have learned from many academic conversations and from the increasing analytic literature on these subjects. Joan and Erik Erikson especially have contributed to the intellectual framework of this book. Other key ideas echo the work of my parents, Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, for whom themes of cooperation and competition, symmetry and complementarity recurred repeatedly.
    I am especially grateful to my husband, J. Barkev Kassarjian, and my daughter, Sevanne Kassarjian, known as Vanni, whose key roles in my life are reflected in this book. Both were essential to its writing. Barkev and I have been married for nearly thirty years; the hours spent reviewing drafts and discussing these ideas have evolved into an intimate collaboration that deserves far more than the pro forma acknowledgments often given to spouses. Vanni represents the future I wish to understand.
    I have had the benefit of careful readings and commentary on the manuscript from Barkev and Vanni, from my friends Barbara Kreiger and Alan Lelchuk, and from my editor Ann Godoff. I would also like to thank my agent, John Brockman, and the John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation for a fellowship in 1987-88 that supported this project.

CONTENTS

    One

EMERGENT VISIONS

    Two

IN THE COMPANY OF FRIENDS

    Three

FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH

    Four

OPENING TO THE WORLD

    Five

PARTNERSHIPS

    Six

GIVE AND TAKE

    Seven

MAKING AND KEEPING

    Eight

CARETAKING

    Nine

MULTIPLE LIVES

    Ten

VICISSITUDES OF COMMITMENT

    Eleven

FITS AND STARTS

    Twelve

ENRICHING THE EARTH

ONE
EMERGENT VISIONS

    T HIS IS A STUDY of five artists engaged in that act of creation that engages us all—the composition of our lives. Each of us has worked by improvisation, discovering the shape of our creation along the way, rather than pursuing a vision already defined.
    In a stable society, composing a life is somewhat like throwing a pot or building a house in a traditional form: the materials are known, the hands move skillfully in tasks familiar from thousands of performances, the fit of the completed whole in the common life is understood. Traditional styles of pottery or building are not usually rigid;