Convicted (Consequences)

first visit, she and Claire mostly hugged and cried. The emotion was too raw and intense to discuss Claire’s condition or the reason for her break with reality . On the second visit, they concentrated on Nichol. Courtney told stories, saying that she’d visited and been in contact with Claire’s daughter ever since Emily started caring for her. She reminded Claire, “How could Aunt Courtney stay away from Nichol Courtney?”
    It wasn’t like Claire had forgot Nichol’s middle name or the person she and Tony wanted to honor—well, maybe she had momentarily forgotten—but hearing Courtney’s pride and seeing the adoration in her bright blue eyes, Claire knew that she and Tony were right to name Nichol after their good friend.
    Claire believed this visit would be different. She knew what she wanted to discuss—what she needed to say—aloud. It had taken some time and reflection, but the therapists were right. The journaling helped take her along her own safe, personal journey.
    The walk to and from the clearing, as well as the impending nightfall, only allowed Claire and Courtney thirty to forty minutes of together time. It wasn’t much, but it was something— to Claire, that was a lot!
    Claire couldn’t thank Meredith enough.
    As they approached the small clearing, Claire fell into silent reflection. Her mind swirled; she worked desperately to control her thoughts, wanting to phrase them correctly, in a way her friends would understand. Perhaps Emily wasn’t ready to believe Claire was better—maybe the doctors and therapists weren’t convinced she was beyond relapse—but Claire wanted her friends to know—she’d come to terms with her past and was ready to move on to her future.
    Once their greetings were said and the three ladies sat on the blanket that Courtney brought, Claire began her story, “I want to thank you both for believing in me.” Claire reached for Meredith’s hand. “So many years ago, when we pledged sisterhood, I don’t think either of us had any idea where it would take us. I know that I wouldn’t be here without your help.”
    Meredith smiled.
    Claire reached for Courtney. “I can’t imagine anyone else standing by me like you’ve done. Who would’ve thought, when Tony took me to your house so many years ago, we’d end up here? You’ve had many opportunities to walk away from me and all the drama, but you never have, thank you!”
    Claire sat straighter. “Courtney, I told Meredith I wanted to see you to learn what happened at the estate. Recently, I’ve been writing things down and working them out. I don’t need you to tell me...I remember”—bravely, she fought the emotion and pushed it back down—“I know why there’re rules about Tony, mentioning his name, or acknowledging that he existed. The thing is”—she inhaled and wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand—“I’m tired of people acting like I can’t handle the truth...I remember shooting him—I know—I know that I killed him.”
    Courtney and Meredith looked at one another, their expressions ones of confusion and disbelief. When they started to speak, Claire spoke over them, “You don’t have to pretend. I remember the gun, the deafening sound as I pulled the trigger.” Claire stammered, “I—I remember him falling, Catherine falling, and Nichol—thank God she wasn’t hurt. I don’t think I could live with myself if I...” Her voice momentarily trailed away.
    Regaining her composure, she said, “I was so happy to hear she was all right. I don’t understand where I was for so long, or how I got there. Maybe I was crazy? Sometimes I wonder if it’s craziness to deal with real life—day after day—or if it’s crazy to want to live in the good times”—she smiled through her tears—“I want the two of you to know that there were good times! The man I married— the second time ”—she added. “We had something I’ll never forget. Emily and the doctors may think I should forget and move on, but I’ll never forget. The thing is—I’m ready to move on.”
    Meredith interjected, “Claire, oh my God, if I thought that was what you thought—I’m so sorry.”
    Courtney squeezed Claire’s hand. “Honey, Tony isn’t dead! You didn’t shoot him. You shot Catherine!”
    Happiness erupted throughout her entire being, only to be immediately replaced by a heaviness that filled Claire’s chest—she fought the thoughts and memories. Suddenly, the numbers