Diet Another Day

DIET ANOTHER DAY
    By Pamela Downs

    "Remember, this is a team effort. Your roommate will be your lifeline when the chocolate calls. Don't let her fail you. The team that loses the most on the body mass index at the end of the month will be awarded the spokesperson contract worth upwards of forty thousand dollars."
    Jessica could care less about becoming an infomercial diva. She wanted a new life. As she looked around at controlled applause in the sea of pink skirt suits in subtle shades from cloud to fuchsia, she squirmed in her stretch jeans and black tee shirt. One other soul stood out. Seated in the rigid conference chair next to her was Rosaleen Dalrymple, her Scottish e-pal who'd talked her into this retreat.
    "As you'll see on page forty-one, along with a rigid ten carbohydrates per day diet, the exercise component is straight forward. Activity, ladies. The best and safest way for you sofa Sherries to begin is walking. The valet will not release your Mercedes until after graduation. Cabs will not carry you, the busses will not shuttle. Don't even think of renting one of the cute motorized scooters you see models zipping around on. Use your large muscles, ladies. Build endurance. Increase your aerobic capacity."
    The women applauded.
    Jessica was on board. Yes. I can walk. Yes, if my meals are prepared, I can adjust to a restricted carbohydrate diet. All of the support will be fun. Just like college. Or what my impression of college is like from books. A wave of shame tried to overtake Jessica. Everybody here probably has at least a bachelor's degree. And a fabulous career.
    "You will be assigned a canteen. Keep it filled and with you at all times. Optimum water intake is twelve eight-ounce servings per day. Strive to hit that target exactly. No more, no less. And subsequently, ladies, you need to feel free to pee. With two hundred women on the same schedule, the designated restrooms at this conference center will prove inadequate. Do not waste time in line. Guard the door of the men's room and take turns. A body waiting in line for a toilet is not a body in motion burning fat. If you stand in line for five minutes every time nature calls this month, you will be two pounds heavier. It's not worth it, ladies."
    Uproarious laughter and nods filled the room.
    No wonder I'm fat. Wow. I had no idea. Yes, absolutely I'll use the men's room. All right then, two pounds guaranteed weight loss. Check.
    "Turn to page forty-eight. Tomorrow's itinerary: Breakfast in the Palm ballroom from five-fifteen to five thirty-five. Feel free to mingle and meet the other ladies. Most of you are with the Belinda Phoon Cosmetics line. Enjoy chatting with your counterparts from other states and territories. After breakfast, you all have a rigid list of activities to achieve before lunch at high noon, back in the Palm ballroom. You and your roommate are responsible for each other's successful completion. Don't be a weak link."
    The ladies applauded. Jessica turned to Rosaleen. The friends smiled and nodded in unity.
    Jessica skimmed the activities. This sounded fun. A sunrise stretching period on the beach. Power walking in the salt water pool. Sweat a few pounds off in the sauna. Thirty-six minutes on the cardio machines. A four-minute break. Power Pilates. Thirty minutes to shower and dress for lunch. This sounded great.
    "Our afternoons are for spiritual growth. We will meet for a prayer session on the beach, in front of the first lifeguard stand to the left of the steps. We will rotate through the world's great religions. Deeply contemplate the messages. Open your heart to your maker. Accept Him in different forms through the hearts of your peers.
    "At one PM, you will break off into groups for barefoot beach walking. Please arrive in a suitable bathing suit with ample sunscreen, sunglasses, and sunbonnets. Each group will receive a unique novel to read while walking. Yes, ladies. We will learn to integrate exercise seamlessly into our lives. You can and will walk and read a book. Be prepared for a pop quiz at breakfast each morning, on the previous day's book."
    Is she kidding? I'm supposed to read and walk and finish the book in one day? And not collapse of heat exhaustion? Miami in July. What was I thinking, signing on for this?
    "For our first week's reward, we have arranged to have a mixer with the Homeland Security First Responders Conference. Cocktail dresses are required. Don't forget hose, a minimum three-inch heel, and full