Do You Remember the First Time?

audience as everyone prepared themselves to laugh at something that wouldn’t be in the slightest bit funny.
    ‘You can turn it on whenever you like …’
    Clelland kept sneaking glances at me standing beside him, and – I couldn’t help it – I was curious too.
    ‘Three-and-a-half-inch floppies …’ droned Max.
    ‘I thought it was you!’ said my mother, loud and too bright. She appeared from nowhere, with too much powder on, looking nervous.
    ‘I’m your daughter,’ I said rather sharply. ‘Who could you mistake me for?’
    ‘Goodness, I don’t mean that. I just meant … where were you? I was worried.’
    She looked around anxiously. I did too, instinctively checking where Dad was. She started to quiver if he got too close.
    ‘Just chatting to people,’ I said. I didn’t want to reintroduce Clelland to her. I’d spent enough emotional time with my mother; I didn’t like her getting upset over me.
    ‘All right. Well, don’t go too far, will you, darling? I hardly know anybody here. I can’t think why Tashy invited me. All these young people!’
    ‘Don’t be silly, Mum. You know Tashy’s mum and dad!’ In fact, Jean chose that moment to put her hand up and wave. ‘There you go!’
    ‘But they’re the parents,’ my mother said as if talking to an idiot. ‘They’re very busy at weddings. Well, so I hear. Who knows, eh?’
    I’d been waiting for the first one of these. I was amazed it had taken so long. I realised Clelland was close enough to hear every word of this.
    ‘Erm, yeah, Mum.’
    ‘You and that lovely chap. So good together. And you’ve been together so long! You must be next. Oh yes, there’llbe a wedding soon for us, I think. Darling, think about it! It’ll be such fun! We can do it all together.’ And she tapped my arm in what she clearly thought was a reassuring manner. I saw Clelland raise his eyebrows.
    ‘Ah! There you are, Olly! Hello, darling! It’s Mummy!’
    Unlike my father, my mother adores Olly and, it has to be said, he’s very good to her. I think he does know that because I don’t have any brothers he’s the only man in my mother’s life at all apart from the postman, and so he treats her well. She is a bit – well, very – clingy.
    This ‘call me Mummy’ stuff has to stop, though. It really has to stop.
    ‘Hello, Mummy,’ said Ol, bending down and giving her a hug. I think perhaps what annoys me most is that sometimes I think Olly gets on with my mother probably better than I do. And vice versa. I often think they’d probably do better on their own.
    My mother turned round. ‘I won’t say a word, dear!’ she mouthed to me.
    Clelland leaned over. ‘Aren’t you going to reintroduce me to “Mummy”?’ he said, with a glint in his eye.
    ‘She probably didn’t recognise you,’ I said. ‘What with all the disappearing and everything.’
    ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘You. Disappearing. To Aberdeen. Remember?’
    He started. ‘I remember you not replying to any of my letters.’
    ‘It was a busy summer.’
    ‘Damn right,’ he said, and looked annoyed.
    ‘… goes down on you,’ said Max.
    ‘So you’re getting married?’
    I shrugged. ‘God, no … I mean, I might, I haven’t decided …’
    ‘Hasn’t he asked you?’
    ‘That’s not the point.’
    ‘Are you going to force him into it against his will?’ he smiled.
    ‘Only if I really, really have to. And just with guns and dogs and things, nothing major.’
    ‘I’m sure you won’t have to. You should get married.’
    ‘And what makes you the great authority?’ I asked, panicking suddenly.
    Why was I panicking? This was ridiculous. And anyway, he wasn’t wearing a ring: I’d checked.
    ‘I’m thinking about it.’
    ‘Oh, yes? Who’s the lucky girl? Haggis McBaggis, famous fisher lady of Aberdeen?’
    ‘Hello,’ said a beautiful dark-haired girl, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
    ‘Who’s this?’
    ‘Well, she fishes,’ Clelland says, ‘but only for compliments. This is Madeleine.’
    ‘What are you saying about me?’ the girl said. ‘Ignore him, he’s unbelievably rude.’
    ‘See?’ said Clelland.
    ‘You are going to be in serious trouble later.’ And she tickled him on the nose.
    ‘Fantastic,’ he said.
    Who’s this tart, I have to admit I was thinking.
    ‘Are the first four years of all relationships the worst?’ said the girl. ‘Tell me they are. I don’t think I could stand it any more.’
    And Clelland put a strong arm around her and