Doctor at Sea

round the cabin door to have a dekko. I goes in first holding one end of the stretcher, the Butch holding the other, and the Mate comes in after us to see what sort of a job we’ve made of him. Well, I dunno. Either we’d made the poor bloke so lifelike, or it was that hot, or he was starting to pong a bit, but the Mate gets inside and passes out like a light. So what could we do? The Butch and I puts him on the stretcher and carries him on deck for some air. When the Skipper sees us coming out with the Mate lying there instead of the corpse he takes one look and bloody well faints as well. Cor, what a lash-up! Stiffs all over the deck. Wasn’t ‘arf a funny Christmas, that wasn’t.’
    ‘Thank you, Easter,’ I said. ‘You have cheered my Christmas morn.’
    ‘The Bos’n’s got toothache,’ he added.
    ‘Has he? How badly?’
    ‘Something cruel, he reckons.’
    ‘Send him to the hospital. I’ll be along in half an hour.’
    The Bos’n was a big man with a complexion like an old football and a face as threatening as a battleship’s gun-turret. I found him sitting in the hospital chair, holding his jaw and moaning.
    ‘Merry Christmas,’ I said.
    I shone a torch in his mouth and announced ’It’ll have to come out.’
    ‘O.K., Doc,’ he said, squaring his shoulders.’ I can take it.’
    We had fortunately found a pair of dental forceps on board, and I hoped they would fit the tooth. I had never extracted one before, but from the ranks of dentists I had seen in action in the hospital out-patient department it looked pretty simple. One simply pulled hard, as though extracting a nail from a plank, and the tooth appeared in a flurry of saliva and blood.
    ‘Easter,’ I said. ‘What have we in the way of anaesthetics?’
    ‘If I may be so bold, sir, and especially seeing it’s Christmas, how about the medical comforts?’
    ‘Capital idea. Are there any left?’
    ‘I took the liberty of telling the Chief Steward last night that you was wanting some special for the season.’
    ‘Very well. Go and fetch them, Easter.’
    The three of us sat in a circle and purposefully drank brandy.
    ‘Have another glass,’ I told the Bos’n.’ After all, you’re the patient.’
    He said the pain was beginning to wear off. ’Nevertheless,’ I said firmly, ’we must proceed with the operation. I don’t want you messing up my Christmas Day with toothache. Open wide,’ I commanded. I applied the forceps. ’Is that the one?’
    He nodded vigorously.
    I gripped the forceps hard and pulled. It was like trying to crack a fresh Brazil nut. I gave another tug. The Bos’n grunted and screwed his eyes up.
    ‘This may hurt a little,’ I remembered to say.
    I threw all my weight against the tooth. Sweat was running down my face and into my eyes and I was breathing like a middle-aged wrestler.
    ‘It’s no good!’ I grunted. ’I’m just not tough enough. Easter, apply counter-pressure to his shoulders, will you? That’s right. Now - one, two, three, together heave!’
    The patient slipped down the chair.
    ‘Oh Lord!’ I said.
    ‘If I might suggest,’ Easter said. ‘Dr Flowerday used to find it very useful to put his knee in the bloke’s chest.’
    ‘Like that?’
    ‘That’s right, Doctor. Now shove your elbows against his shoulders.’
    There was a crash, and the patient landed on the deck with me on top of him.
    ‘Hold on, Doctor!’ Easter shouted.’ It’s coming!’
    I set my jaw and threw myself into a final effort; but the tooth was a firm as a rivet in a ship’s plate. I was about to roll off the patient in exhaustion when he decided it was time to intervene himself. Two large, powerful hands came up and enveloped mine. The Bos’n gave a sharp heave and the tooth came out like a pip from an orange.
    He stood up, spat a mouthful of blood in the sink and looked at me anxiously.
    ‘Are you all right, Doctor?’ he asked.’ Didn’t hurt you, did I?’
    ‘No, I think I’m all right,’ I panted.
    ‘Gawd, that’s better! Merry Christmas, Doctor.’
    The Bos’n walked contentedly aft, and I went to join my shipmates. There was an air of geniality on board, fostered not only by the season but by the fact that Christmas was technically Sunday and therefore everyone had another half-day’s pay.
    After midday the officers were invited to Captain Hogg’s cabin for drinks. Everyone came - even the Chief Engineer, who allowed his aversion for both the Captain and the foolish Sassenach custom