Down London Road

but reply, ‘That’s Cam. He’s a friend.’
    ‘You fucking him?’
    ‘Mum,’ I snapped, flinching at how loudly the question had been asked.
    ‘Well?’ she asked with a sneer. ‘Look at you! Standing there, judging me. Get that look oot yer eyes, girl. You think yer better than me. Accusing me of hitting Cole, thinking I’m nothing. Well, look in the mirror, girl, ’cause yer nothing too!’ As her eyes sparked with her contempt, I knew this was what she’d been waiting for. This was her payback for my attack. Humiliating me in front of Cam. ‘Yer useless and that piece oot there will walk away when he gets bored with what’s between yer legs!’
    I slammed the door shut, my whole body shaking as I leaned my forehead against it, trying to control my breathing. A few seconds later I heard her start to cry.
    ‘Jo?’
    I sucked in my breath at his voice and turned slowly around to find him standing in the hallway, his eyes glittering with anger. He took the few steps he needed to be close to me and he said loudly, so Mum would hear, I imagine, ‘You are not useless. You are not what they say you are.’
    I glanced down at his tattoo.
Be Caledonia.
    When my eyes travelled back up to his and I saw pain in his eyes for me, I knew that Cam was the only guy who had ever
seen
me. And even more important, he saw beyond what I could see. I was
more
to Cam.
    I wanted to grab his hand, lead him down the hall to my room, strip myself bare before him, and let him take everything I could give him.
    And take everything he could give me.
    Instead of doing what I really wanted to do, I gave him a platonic but grateful smile. ‘Let’s have that coffee.’



14
    The following Saturday everything I was avoiding feeling, everything that wasn’t being admitted out loud, came to a head.
    The week before, Malcolm had invited me to a party that Becca’s flatmate was hosting. The party was to be held in their place in Bruntsfield and Malcolm had said he’d put in an appearance. However, he didn’t want to feel like a fish out of water, so he’d practically begged me to accompany him. I wasn’t really looking forward to seeing Cam and Becca in action together, but since I’d been unfaithful to Malcolm in my head, I thought it was the least I could do for him.
    The morning of that Saturday I was up early because Mum had woken us up smashing empty bottles of gin in the kitchen sink. I’d got to her before she did too much damage, wrapped a few plasters around little cuts on her hands, held her while she curled into me and bawled like a baby, and finally accepted Cole’s help getting her back into bed. The muscles in her legs were wasting away – it was a wonder she could even walk. Cole and I had given up trying to get her out and about, and seeing the damage I began to feel guilty.
    Trying to shake off the grim sadness that always overwhelmed me when Mum found a way to let us know she was just as angry at her addiction as we were, I thought I’dspend a rare Saturday morning reading while Cole hurried down to Cam’s flat. Since I was still trying to weigh whether we could afford the expense of Cole taking up a martial art, Cam had started training lessons with him on Saturday mornings. Cole loved every minute of it, and honestly, I think Cam was enjoying teaching what he’d learned.
    I was immersed in the translation of a romance novel by one of my favourite Japanese writers when the doorbell rang.
    It was Jamie, Cole’s friend.
    As soon as I opened the door, the short, slightly chubby kid turned beetroot. I bit my lip, trying not to smile. ‘Hi, Jamie.’
    ‘Hi, Jo.’ He gulped, his eyes looking anywhere but at my face. ‘Is Cole in? He was supposed to meet me outside fifteen minutes ago.’
    Clearly Cole had lost track of the time. I stifled my aggravated sigh and stepped out of the flat, shutting the door gently behind me – I had been at a really good part in my book. ‘Let me take you to him.’
    After I knocked on Cam’s door, he yelled for me to come in. I left Jamie waiting outside and entered the flat to find Cam and Cole standing in the centre of the living room beside a mat. All of the furniture had been pushed to the edges of the room. Cole was grinning, perspiration running down his neck, damp patches all over his T-shirt. Cam was wearing a T-shirt and joggers, not looking that much the worse for wear.
    I raised my eyebrows at Cole. ‘Did you forget about something?’
    He frowned instantly.