Edward Adrift

that’s not really my point. My point is that my father is often on my mind.
    When we drove into Montana, I reminded my mother about my father’s crashing into a deer, and she scoffed.
    “That was up by Little Bighorn,” she said. “He was drunk, you know.”
    “No,” I said. “I didn’t know that.”
    “Yes, he was drunk. The whole thing scared me to death. That deer, he bounced off the front of the car and into the windshield, and I swear, I thought he was going to come through and land in the backseat. Your father there, prattling on, not paying attention. We’re lucky we weren’t killed. That’s when I told him, ‘Ted, never again. I’m never riding with you again when you’ve been drinking.’”
    I could tell from the look on my mother’s face that she wasn’t sure whether she had anything left to say.
    “I miss him,” I said.
    “He was one of a kind, that’s for sure.”
    “Do you miss him?”
    My mother drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. After that, she licked her lips a couple of times.
    “No. I’m sorry, Edward, but no, I don’t.”
    I didn’t even know what to say or think about that.

OFFICIALLY WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2011
    From the logbook of Edward Stanton:
    Time I woke up today: 8:48 a.m. My face was in a puddle of my own drool.
    High temperature for Tuesday, December 20, 2011, Day 354: 42, according to the Billings Herald-Gleaner website. I don’t have a paper yet. That’s a 7-degree improvement from the high a day before. These are just highly unusual December temperatures.
    Low temperature for Tuesday, December 20, 2011: 28, a 10-degree improvement. Remarkable.
    Precipitation for Tuesday, December 20, 2011: 0.00 inches
    Precipitation for 2011: 19.48 inches
    New entries:
    Exercise for Tuesday, December 20, 2011: I took an even longer walk with Sheila Renfro, before my mother showed up and short-circuited my stay in Cheyenne Wells.
    I told my mother yesterday that I wasn’t mad at her. That was a lie. I’m pissed off.
    Also, I wonder if Sheila Renfro will walk without me. I hope so. I’m going to try to walk here, without Sheila Renfro.
    Miles driven Tuesday, December 20, 2011: I refuse to recognize any miles driven by my mother or by me yesterday. I shouldn’t have been in that car.
    Total miles driven: Holding steady at 1,844.9, because of the technicality I just outlined.
    Gas usage Tuesday, December 20, 2011: I also refuse to recognize any gas I put in my new Cadillac DTS, although I will be unable to persuade my bank to disregard the money I spent on it. That sucks.
    Addendum: OK, I still intend to embark on my new program to get my life into shape. That’s just good common sense. But I’m pissed off that I’m here right now, and I’m pissed off at my mother for butting into my business the way she did. Sovereignty. That’s a word. I love that word. It means that I have the right to make the decisions that affect the course of my life. My mother infringed (I also love the word “infringed”) on my sovereignty by doing what she did. What’s more, she doesn’t even recognize that she did anything wrong. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal! That makes things even worse.
    Something else that pisses me off is the way my mother talked about my father, saying she doesn’t miss him. How can she not? He was her husband. This is difficult for me, because I believe that a person has a right to feel the way he or she wants to, but my mother is acting irrationally on several levels.
    I am so pissed off at my mother right now. I want to call her and tell her off, and maybe I will, but even as I wig out, I can hear Dr. Buckley talking in my head about this. She told me once that it’s never a bad move to wait until anger passes before having a confrontation. She said that doesn’t mean you overlook a transgression, but rather that you allow yourself to be in the proper frame of mind to achieve the best possible solution from a necessary confrontation. If I call my mother right now, I am going to yell at her and probablymake her cry (I’ve done it before). That might make me feel good for a little while, but it won’t solve the problem between us. I will wait for my anger to recede. In fact, I think I will call Dr. Bryan Thomsen and see if he can fit me into his schedule today. It’s not ideal, as today is Wednesday and not Tuesday, but my need for the help outweighs my need to stick to my schedule.
    Can Dr. Bryan Thomsen help me? I have my doubts. But