Ender's Game (Ender Wiggins Saga)

I'm not talking about power, either. I'm talking about accidents, just like the accident that Mazer Rackham happened to be the one who was there when somebody had to stop the buggers.”
      "If I'm here," said Ender, "then I won't be there. Somebody else will. Let them have the accident.”
      His tone of weary unconcern infuriated her. "I'm talking about my life, you self-centered little bastard." If her words bothered him, he didn't show it. Just lay there, eyes closed. "When you were little and Peter tortured you, it's a good thing I didn't lie back and wait for Mom and Dad to save you. They never understood how dangerous Peter was. I knew you had the monitor, but I didn't wait for them , either. Do you know what Peter used to do to me because I stopped him from hurting you?”
      "Shut up," Ender whispered.
      Because she saw that his chest was trembling, because she knew that she had indeed hurt him, because she knew that just like Peter, she had found his weakest place and stabbed him there, she fell silent.
      "I can't beat them," Ender said softly, "I'll be out there like Mazer Rackham one day, and everybody will be depending on me, and I won't be able to do it.”
      "If you can't, Ender, then nobody could. If you can't beat them, then they deserve to win because they're stronger and better than us. It won't be your fault.”
      "Tell it to the dead.”
      "If not you, then who?”
      "Anybody.”
      "Nobody, Ender. I'll tell you something. If you try and lose then it isn't your fault. But if you don't try and we lose, then it's all your fault. You killed us all.”
      "I'm a killer no matter what.”
      "What else should you be? Human beings didn't evolve brains in order to lie around on lakes. Killing's the first thing we learned. And a good thing we did, or we'd be dead, and the tigers would own the earth.”
      "I could never beat Peter. No matter what I said or did. I never could.”
      So it came back to Peter. "He was years older than you. And stronger.”
      "So are the buggers.”
      She could see his reasoning. Or rather, his unreasoning. He could win all he wanted, but he knew in his heart that there was always someone who could destroy him, He always knew that he had not really won, because there was Peter, undefeated champion.
      "You want to beat Peter?" she asked.
      "No," he answered.
      "Beat the buggers. Then come home and see who notices Peter Wiggin anymore. Look him in the eye when all the world loves and reveres you. That'll be defeat in his eyes, Ender. That's how you win.”
      "You don't understand," he said.
      "Yes I do.”
      "No you don't. I don't want to beat Peter.”
      "Then what do you want?”
      "I want him to love me.”
      She had no answer. As far as she knew, Peter didn't love anybody.
      Ender said nothing more. Just lay there. And lay there.
      Finally Valentine, the sweat dripping off her, the mosquitos beginning to hover as the dusk came on, took one final dip in the water and then began to push the raft in to shore. Ender showed no sign that he knew what she was doing, but his irregular breathing told her that he was not asleep. When they got to shore, she climbed onto the dock and said, " I love you, Ender. More than ever. No matter what you decide.”
      He didn't answer. She doubted that he believed her. She walked back up the hill, savagely angry at them for making her come to Ender like this. For she had, after all, done just what they wanted. She had talked Ender into going back into his training, and he wouldn't soon forgive her for that.
     
     
     
      Ender came in the door, still wet from his last dip in the lake. It was dark outside, and dark in the room where Graff waited for him.
      "Are we going now?" asked Ender.
      "If you want to," Graff said.
      "When?”
      "When you're ready.”
      Ender showered and dressed. He was finally used to the way civilian clothes fit together, but he still didn't feel right without a uniform or a flash suit. I'll never wear a flash suit again, he thought. That was the Battle School game, and I'm through with that. He heard the crickets chirping madly in the woods; in the near distance he heard the crackling sound of a car driving slowly on gravel.
      What else should he take with him? He had read several of the books in the library, but they belonged to the house and he couldn't take them. The only thing he owned was the raft he had made with his own hands. That would stay here,