Everything Changes

with you. I’m constantly holding myself back from letting you see how I really feel.”
    “Stop it,” she snaps at me, and while I can’t see them yet, I can hear the tears in her voice. “Just stop it. You can’t say that to me.”
    “I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t want this. I was all set to get married and be happy. But when I’m with you, I feel like I could never be happy with anyone else. And I know it’s wrong, I know you’re in no position to return those feelings, and I’m certainly in no position to be having these feelings, but between you and me, that’s how I really feel.”
    She stares at me, her eyes wide, tears streaming down her face. “I shouldn’t have said anything,” she says. “This was a mistake.” She picks up her glass and heads for the door.
    “Wait,” I say. “You can’t leave. Please. We’re finally talking about it.”
    She turns around at the door. “I have to leave, Zack—don’t you see that? You need to work this out for yourself, and I can’t be a part of it.”
    “Just stay there,” I plead, moving toward her in the dark. “Just wait a minute, please.” I find her near the door and put my hands on her shoulders. “Please don’t leave me here.”
    Her hands come up to rest on mine, and somehow, despite the darkness, we’re able to see each other’s face, and we stand there like that, looking into each other’s eyes, and we’re vibrating like electricity, and then she says, “Just one,” and when our lips touch, hers open almost instantly, granting me entry as she steps into my embrace, pressing her body into mine like I’ve been molded to take her shape, and her fingers are like roots in my scalp, pressing into my head as she pulls me closer, our tongues pulling and probing with naked desperation. “I love you,” I gasp, panting slightly, my lips still grazing hers.
    “I know,” she whispers back.
    “No, I mean, I really love you.”
    She nods. “I know.” And then we’re kissing again, fiercely and recklessly, and her hand finds its way under my shirt, her fingers urgently pressing and stroking at my chest, and I’ve pulled her dress up above her waist to feel the hot skin of her lower back, and the Viagra has kicked in like gangbusters, but she doesn’t shy away from it, pressing up against me with a low moan, her leg coming up to wrap around my thigh, her tongue like candy on my lips.

    This is what happens. You’re in the dark, kissing a woman you’ve been dying to kiss for as long as you can remember, and it feels just as you always imagined it would; her taste is exactly what you’ve extrapolated from your past, minimal contact. And maybe it’s the ecstasy of discovery, the immense relief of the release of the hot torrent of feelings and yearnings that have been building up in you for so long, or maybe it’s the booze and drugs still dancing like twin demons through your blood, but for the first time in memory you’re not fearing the consequences, not thinking about the inevitable complications, and you’re floating, suspended in this perfect, translucent moment where nothing else exists. So it’s not surprising, really, that you don’t hear the door open, don’t sense your future father-in-law’s arrival as he steps into the room, don’t react immediately when the lights come on. After all, your eyes are closed, your universe reduced to the sweet vortex of your conjoined mouths, your diminished senses focused only on the wet sphere of her soft, open lips. And by the time you stumble back, eyes blinking in the harsh chaos of the light as, too late, you pull down your bunched-up shirt, he’s already on top of you.

    Jack moves fast for an older guy, barreling into me before I can get my bearings. “You scumbag!” he roars as he propels us across the floor. “I’ll kill you!” We crash into his desk, then fall on top of it, Jack peppering me with glancing punches to my chest and face as papers and desk accessories scatter in our wake. The desk lamp goes over, landing without breaking, bathing the room in a skewed green glow. “Wait!” I gasp, but Jack’s having none of it, his fist knocking my jaw as I speak, and now I can taste the metallic tang of blood on my tongue. “I’ll kill you!” he screams again. Somewhere in the chaos, I register Tamara’s panicked screams as she flees the room. Jack continues to swing away at me, but in his ardor he pays no attention to leverage, and I manage to roll onto