Facade

was seeing now.
    “I’m just a horrible person, Jonas.”
    “No you’re not, you’re—”
    “Just hear me out please?” Nicky interrupted.
    “… human,” Jonas continued. “Okay, so tell me,” he conceded, trying not to sound impatient.
    “I started building this shield, way back in design college. On the one hand it paid to be gay, flamboyant, in-your-face, outrageous even. The wilder the better. On the other hand you had to be mysterious. They told me so many times that I was shallow, that my pretty face wasn’t going to help me with my career because that was all people were going to see.”
    It wasn’t lost on Jonas that Nicky wasn’t looking him in the eye. Did that mean he still wasn’t being entirely truthful? He decided to give Nicky the benefit of the doubt and simply let him finish what he needed to say. He hoped he’d get a chance to ask his questions later.
    “Going away to college was an eye opener. I’d had girlfriends before, nothing serious, but there I discovered that what really turned me on were guys, men. Not the dolled up kids who thought they were designers from the moment they stepped into the college; no, real men, with calluses on their hands and sweaty armpits and—
    ” He chuckled. “And then there was Tanna.” Nicky paused for a moment, picking up his fork to push the food around the plate a bit, but he didn’t eat.

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    Zahra
    Owens
    Jonas offered him a bite of his pomme dauphinois , and to his surprise, Nicky accepted.
    “I love women, Jonas.” This time Nicky did look at his table companion. “I adore them, worship them. They are the most exquisite creatures to roam this earth. This is what confused me for the longest time. How could I love them so, how could I love Tanna that much, but not be turned on by them?” Jonas raised an eyebrow, not sure if this was meant to be a rhetorical question or whether Nicky really expected him to answer it.
    “Tanna made her own way through scores of men and probably just as many women. She just had this voracious appetite for sex. Still has, actually. She once told me a day wasn’t complete unless she’d had at least one orgasm. By whose hand really wasn’t very important to her as long as her lover was competent and exciting; she’d try anything at least once, and I’m sure she has! Poor Maia knows she can’t give Tanna everything she needs.” Nicky picked at his food again and even stuck a piece in his mouth.
    “Damn, this is cold now.” He started to get up but Jonas stopped him by taking hold of his wrist.
    “We’ll warm it up later. Now tell me about you , Nicky.
    You’ve told me about Tanna, and it’s all good information, but I’m here for you and nobody else.”
    Nicky averted his eyes again, but sat down nevertheless. He seemed to struggle to find the right words.
    Jonas decided to help him along. “Why don’t you start by telling me why you didn’t call me again after our encounter at the atelier?”
    “It felt wrong,” Nicky answered quietly.
    “Why?” Jonas asked, almost afraid of the answer.
    “Because I wanted more; I wanted more than a fuck. I wanted you, Jonas, us, like that week in London.” He was looking straight at Jonas now, and Jonas was crushed by the hurt in the younger man’s eyes.

    Façade
    145
    “But then I realized: this is why you’re so good at your job.
    You make it real for people. You make them feel good and that’s why you’re so expensive, but oh so worth every penny.”
    “Nicky, I—”
    “It was meant to feel this good, because it’s your job.”
    “Can I defend myself, please?” Jonas asked.
    Nicky gave him a faint “I guess” gesture, so Jonas continued.
    “My clients don’t usually put those demands on me.
    Christopher hires me to have sex with him in public places. And believe me, we’ve had sex in much more public places than your atelier. He’s a friend and I trust him, but we’re nowhere near as close as you and I were in London.”
    “Clay?” Nicky asked, slightly fearful.
    “A very intense week, two, three time a year.” Jonas saw Nicky almost cringe. “Intense physically. Emotionally… draining, I suppose, because of the lack of emotions.” Jonas took Nicky’s hand.
    “He’s… we’re friends, sort of. He takes me to sports games and we do other fun stuff together too, but he’s closed off so completely. He doesn’t let anyone near, not even me.”
    “You said that of me once, too.” Nicky didn’t grip Jonas’s