Fall Guy

silent, then terrified. I watched it, the fear coming over them like the shadow of the mountain when the sun drops behind it. It was gradual at first, just a little shadow spoiling their fun. And then it covered them, made their world pitch-black, made their souls ache. Was it too much time already? No one had a watch. No one knew. Tim came back down and he and Liam jumped in. I was there each time they came up, gasping for air, blue with cold, but without Joey. I saw them huddle together and whisper. They hadn't saved Joey. Now they had to save themselves. They needed a story. We always needed a story back then. We couldn't have survived without our stories.
    „I waited, flat on the ground, until Francis ran for help. After he'd gone, I ran, too. I ran back to my bike and went home the long way, through Nyack, just in case any of them might be back out on the road, just to make sure no one saw me or knew what I'd seen. It took me an hour and a half to get home. And another hour and a half for everyone else to get back to the house with the news that they hadn't been able to find Joey, that he'd disappeared in that cold, black pit, that he was gone forever. That's when I heard the story, again and again and again, of how they'd begged him not to jump, of how he'd gone and done it anyway, that he'd been a foolhardy boy and that he'd paid the ultimate price. That he'd done it, he'd gone ahead and jumped off that high place with them begging him not to all along. That's what they all said. That's what my parents believed. And I never said a word to the contrary, nor told a soul what I had seen, not until I told Father Jack last week.“
    „Why now, after all these years?“
    Maggie got up and walked over to the windows. She stood there for a while, not answering my question. I thought about the note she'd written Tim that night. After she'd spoken to the priest.
    „I knew that if I confessed my sin to Father Jack, he'd tell me I should tell my mother what I'd seen, what really happened. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't have done that, so there was no point. But once she'd died, I had a burden I wanted to put down. Once she was gone, I thought it would be safe to do that. Now look at what I've gone and done.“
    I was behind her in a moment, turning her to face me. „No, don't say that. Don't do that to yourself. This wasn't your fault, not any of it.“
    „I could have stopped them.“
    „Maybe. Maybe you could have, that time. But that only would have postponed it. It would have happened another time at another place, somewhere you wouldn't know anything about.“
    „That's what he said.“
    „Father Jack?“
    „He said it wasn't my fault.“ Maggie's lips turned into a thin line.
    „And what else did he say?“
    „That I had to tell Timothy that I'd been there, that I knew.“
    „Is that why you wrote him that note?“
    Maggie nodded. „He said I had to tell him.“
    „Yes?“
    „And that I had to forgive him.“ Her fists were clenched now, her face flushed. „He said he understood why I hadn't come to confession.“
    „Because you didn't want to tell your mother, because the truth would be so painful for her?“
    She nodded, her face lined with concern.
    „And because I didn't want God to forgive Tim. I was that angry at him.“
    „And when you wrote the note?“
    She waved a hand in the air, dropping it limply back to her side.
    „You'd worked it all out. You let it all go.“
    „I did. You have to believe me, Rachel, I only wanted my brother back. I only wanted to say how sorry I was for the anger I'd held in my heart all these years.“ The tears were streaming down
    her face as she spoke and she reached for my hand, holding it tightly in both of hers. „I was that cold to him at the wake that he didn't ask for anything of our mother's. He didn't feel at home in his own house.“
    „But you gave him the photograph of your mother, didn't you? You didn't send him away empty-handed.“
    „I did give him the photograph, but not out of generosity. I wanted to remind him of what he'd failed to do.“
    „Meaning?“
    „Never being there for her, leaving it all to me. He should have helped me. He was her son. He should have been there, too.“
    Except that he no longer felt at home, I thought. He didn't feel welcome there.
    „I barely spoke to him. But Father Jack made me see that Timothy didn't mean the harm he caused. He didn't know what would happen then. Or after.“
    „After? You mean