Faster We Burn

anything with your mom.”
    “I know why you left, but I wish you didn’t have to. Things have gotten so…complicated.” She laughed a little, but it wasn’t really funny. “I think I’m still in denial.”
    “Hey, I’m not judging.”
    “I know.”
    “I’m quitting smoking,” I said, just for something to say that didn’t involve death.
    “Really? Have you ever tried before?”
    “Trish and I try every now and then, but it never sticks.”
    “Well, if you need, like, a sponsor or something, I would be happy to fill that role. You know, help you with the pledge.”
    “The pledge?”
    “I accept the things and I can’t change and…I know there’s something about the wisdom to know the difference…” I almost laughed.
    “That’s for Alcoholics Anonymous.”
    “Does it really matter?”
    “I guess not,” I said as the song switched to “Rose Tattoo”, by Dropkick Murphys.
    “Could you play for me?” she said, as if she was asking to borrow a kidney.
    “What do you want to hear?”
    “Anything.”
    I turned off Dropkick, put the phone on speaker and picked up my guitar, sifting through my mental jukebox. I wanted something that would make her laugh. Something unexpected. I smiled and started “Lovefool”, by The Cardigans. I’d found it through a random internet search once and thought it was catchy.
    It took a minute for her to figure out what it was, but I heard her laugh for the first time in way too long. A surprised laugh that she couldn’t suppress.
    I exaggerated the cuteness of the lyrics, hoping to make her laugh more. It worked.
    She was still giggling when I finished.
    “That was so random, but so perfect. I heard that one in a movie once and I always liked it.” Her laughter died down and I picked the phone up again.
    “I thought you’d like that.”
    She paused and I could hear her thinking.
    “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t feel like shit about laughing, but I do.”
    “You’re right, you shouldn’t. Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to learn the Serenity Prayer. You have to start accepting that you can’t change things, and you can’t take the blame for everything.”
    “I know, I know.”
    “So stop it,” I said. “Just stop.” My voice was sharp, but she needed to hear it. Everyone else would treat her delicately, but she wasn’t. She was tough and she needed someone to call her out on it.
    “Are you being a dick again?”
    “No, I’m just…I don’t want you to turn into this sad girl who stops living her life because she’s afraid of everything. You’re the girl who kissed me because you wanted to see what it was like to make out with a guy who had a lip ring. You’re the girl who faced her ex, and the girl who fought her mom for me. I can’t lose that girl.”
    “That girl had a dad. I don’t know who I am anymore. That girl is gone and she’s not coming back.” I knew what she was saying was right, but I didn’t want it to be right.
    “I just…I have to figure things out now. But I don’t want to figure them out alone. I want you to be there.” I didn’t say anything, because I was waiting for more.
    “Not like how we first were. Just friends. No sex. I can’t deal with all that right now, but I’d like it if we could be friends. Do you think we could do that?”
    No, we definitely couldn’t go back to being friends, not after everything. At least, I didn’t think I could. But, if it was being friends or not having her in my life, I’d take the agony of trying to be her friend.
    “I think we can be friends.” She let out a breath I felt like she’d been holding for as long as she’d been talking to me.
    “Good. I’d really like to be your friend.”
    “I’ll try not to be a dick.”
    “You can be a dick sometimes. Especially when I need it.” This was probably the absolute worst time, but I couldn’t go forward without telling her about Ric. Dick move, coming right up.
    “Listen—”
    She cut me off.
    “I know that it’s going to be hard to go back. I mean, we started off in the wrong direction to be friends, but I would really like to try, but only if you want to. I don’t want you to feel obligated. You’ve already done so much for me.”
    Shit. As quick as I’d gotten up the nerve to do it, that nerve had deserted me and it wasn’t coming back anytime soon.
    “No, I want to be friends. Just friends.”
    “Just friends.”
    She told me she’d be coming back soon, that Kayla was going to stay with