Feet of Clay

Sergeant Detritus will be around constantly so that if anyone nods off he’ll kick arse, sir, and you’ll know when he does that ’cos the poor bugger’ll come right through the wall.”
    “Well done, Vimes. Am I right in thinking that all my guards are non-human? They all seem to be dwarfs and trolls.”
    “Safest way, sir.”
    “You’ve thought of everything, Vimes.”
    “Hope so, sir.”
    “Thank you, Vimes.” Vetinari sat up and took a mass of papers off the bedside table. “And now, don’t let me detain you.”
    Vimes’ mouth dropped open.
    Vetinari looked up. “Was there anything else, Commander?”
    Well…I suppose not, sir. I suppose I’d just better run along, eh?”
    “If you wouldn’t mind. And I’m sure a lot of paperwork has accumulated in my office, so if you’d send someone to fetch it, I would be obliged.”
    Vimes shut the door behind him, a little harder than necessary. Gods, it made him livid, the way Vetinari turned him on and off like a switch—and had as much natural gratitude as an alligator. The Patrician relied on Vimes doing his job, knew he’d do his job, and that was the extent of his thought on the matter. Well, one day, Vimes would…would…
    …Would bloody well do his job, of course, because he didn’t know how to do anything else. But realizing that made it all the worse.
    Outside the palace the fog was thick and yellow. Vimes nodded to the guards on the door, and looked out at the clinging, swirling clouds.
    It was almost a straight line to the Watch House in Pseudopolis Yard. And the fog had brought early night to the city. Not many people were on the streets; they stayed indoors, barring the windows against the damp shreds that seemed to leak in everywhere.
    Yes…empty streets, a chilly night, dampness in the air…
    Only one thing was needed to make it perfect. He sent the sedan men on home and walked back to one of the guards. “You’re Constable Lucker, aren’t you?”
    “Yessir, Sir Samuel.”
    “What size boots do you take?”
    Lucker looked panicky. “What, sir?”
    “It’s a simple question, man!”
    “Seven and a halfs, sir.”
    “From old Plugger in New Cobblers? The cheap ones?”
    “Yessir!”
    “Can’t have a man guarding the palace in cardboard boots!” said Vimes, with mock cheerfulness. “Off with them, Constable. You can have mine. They’ve still got wyvern—well, whatever it is wyverns do—on them, but they’ll fit you. Don’t stand there with your mouth open. Give me your boots, man. You can keep mine.” Vimes added: “I’ve got lots.”
    The constable watched in frightened astonishment as Vimes pulled on the cheap pair and stood upright, stamping a few times with his eyes shut. “Ah,” he said. “I’m in front of the palace, right?”
    “Er…yes, sir. You’ve just come out of it, sir. It’s this big building here.”
    “Ah,” said Vimes brightly, “but I’d know I was here, even if I hadn’t!”
    “Er…”
    “It’s the flagstones,” said Vimes. “They’re an unusual size and slightly dished in the middle. Hadn’t you noticed? Your feet, lad! That’s what you’ll have to learn to think with!”
    The bemused constable watched him disappear into the fog, stamping happily.

    Corporal the Right Honorable the Earl of Ankh Nobby Nobbs pushed open the Watch-House door and staggered inside.
    Sergeant Colon looked up from the desk, and gasped. “You OK, Nobby?” he said, hurrying around to support the swaying figure.
    “It’s terrible, Fred. Terrible!”
    “Here, take a seat. You’re all pale.”
    “I’ve been elevated, Fred!” moaned Nobby.
    “Nasty! Did you see who did it?”
    Nobby wordlessly handed him the scroll Dragon King of Arms had pressed into his hand, and flopped back. He took a tiny length of home-made cigarette from behind his ear and lit it with a shaking hand. “I dunno, I’m sure,” he said. “You do your best, you keep your head down, you don’t make any trouble, and then something like this happens to you.”
    Colon read the scroll slowly, his lips moving when he came to difficult words like “and” and “the.” “Nobby, you’ve read this? It says you’re a lord! ”
    “The old man said they’d have to do a lot of checking up but he thought it was pretty clear what with the ring and all. Fred, what am I gonna do? ”
    “Sit back and eat off ermine plates, I should think!”
    “That’s just it, Fred. There’s no money. No big house. No land. Not a brass