Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (Second Book of the 50 Shades of Alice Trilogy)

you something. It’s about my boyfriend, Lewis. I dumped him because I caught him wearing my underwear.”
    Tweedle Dee gasped and fainted, falling into Tweedle Dum’s arms. Then Tweedle Dum stood him back up, and he gasped and fainted, falling into Tweedle Dee’s arms. They repeated this an irritating number of times until Alice wanted to club them both to death.
    “Enough!” she finally demanded.
    “You hate us, because we’re gay!” Tweedle Dum decried.
    “No, I hate you because you’re annoying little bastards. How about trying to teach me about tolerance instead of playing around?”
    “Dear Alice,” said Tweedle Dee, his face a picture of serenity. “Human sexuality is a strange and beautiful thing. No one knows where we get our preferences. Could be our genes. Could be early life experiences. Could be from viewing too much Internet porn. Sexuality, no matter what type, is completely natural as long as there is mutual consent. But when we start condemning others for their choices? That’s evil.”
    Tweedle Dum pointed a finger in Alice’s face. “It is none of your business where I stick my dingus, unless I’m trying to stick it in you.” He sidled up to her, slipping a hand around Alice’s waist. “Is that something you’d like?”
    “I… I… I don’t know,” Alice stammered. “What about diseases?”
    “We’re both regularly tested. Plus we use condoms.”
    (Of course, in Alice’s fantasies, no one actually used condoms, but in real life, she recognized the need for them and was very responsible.)
    “I… I thought you were gay,” she said.
    Tweedle Dee shrugged. “We swing both ways.”
    “But, aren’t you married?” she asked, looking at their ring fingers and seeing gold bands.
    “We just told you we swing.”
    Oh yes, Alice had learned about swinging from the kings and queens. “Do you only use the missionary positions?”
    “Were you sent by the Red Queen? Are you here to spy on us?”
    Both the Tweedles’ members shriveled and shrank right before Alice’s eyes, like helium balloons on a cold day.
    “Heavens, no! The Red Queen banished me to the courtyard.”
    “But you’re not in the courtyard now,” Tweedle Dum said.
    “I escaped with The White Queen’s help. I’m trying to expand my mind so I can become a queen myself.”
    “When you’re a queen, will you regulate fantasies and sex acts?”
    “Heavens to Betsy! No, of course not!”
    “You’re not judgmental about the sexuality of others?”
    “A thousand times no! Why would you even think something like that? I am very open-minded and tolerant.”
    But either Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dee didn’t believe her, or the specter of the Red Queen’s rules had frightened them deeply, because both of their members hung flaccid and sad beneath their bellies.
    Then Tweedle Dee (or perhaps it was Tweedle Dum) said something that made Alice feel even worse. “You do realize that the only people who declare they are open-minded so adamantly are those with closed minds, right Alice?”
    Alice didn’t know how to answer that, so she looked down at her pumps and tried not to cry.
    “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I don’t want to be closed-minded. And I feel terrible that I’ve ruined your charmingly curved erections.” She sniffled. “Is there any way I can I help you get them back?”
    Tweedle Dee looked at Tweedle Dum, and Tweedle Dum looked at Tweedle Dee.
    “We have an idea,” the said in unison.
    Alice brightened. “You want me to suck one of your stiff quarter rolls while the other one slides into my slot of riches from behind?”
    “No,” said Tweedle Dee. “I’m afraid that won’t cut it.”
    Disappointed, Alice pondered for a moment. “I know! You want to stick one of your love rockets into my bottom while the other one plunders my secret garden with his shaft of pleasure?”
    “No,” said Tweedle Dum. “I’m afraid that isn’t good enough either.”
    “And also,” said Tweedle Dee, “Your euphemisms are annoying. Why must you purposely be annoying, Alice?”
    Now Alice was getting frustrated. Again she found herself wanting to kill the odd little Tweedles, but due to the lingering heat of Gnat’s teasing and her own lascivious suggestions about what she could do with their charmingly curved members, she didn’t want to bludgeon the strange little men any longer. Now she wanted to hump them to death.
    Alice unbuttoned her thin white blouse and cupped her breasts together,