Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (Second Book of the 50 Shades of Alice Trilogy)

now?”
    “I think so.”
    “You’d better. Or else I’m going to write KEEP AN OPEN MIND on a club and beat you over the head with it, like we’ve been doing to the readers.”
    “I’ve got to go back home and talk to Lewis,” Alice said. “Which way do I go?”
    “Where is home?”
    “On the other side of the looking glass.”
    “I don’t have the slightest idea what that means. But you could follow this path to Lion and Unicorn Park. There’s an orgy going on there right now. Lots of people. Maybe one of them will be able to help you. But be careful.”
    Alice wiped away a tear and smiled shyly. “I think I’ll be okay. I’ve been to an orgy or two.”
    “It’s not that. I heard the Red Queen is planning to raid the park. You don’t want to be arrested and have to face the Jabbercocky.”
    The word rang a bell, and Alice recalled that horrible poem she’d read earlier and the word being repeated by the White Queen.
    “What’s a Jabbercocky?” she asked.
    “It’s a sex machine, in the Hall of Denied Orgasms. Meant to cause unbearable arousal in women.”
    Alice frowned. “The White Queen didn’t want to talk about it. She said the Red Queen beat the Jabbercocky, and that is why she’s allowed to rule Looking Glass Land.”
    Humpty spat. “The Red Queen. She’s an unfeeling bitch. Do you know how she beat the Jabbercock? She fell asleep. Can you imagine? I weep for her poor husband.”
    Alice thought about the Red King and how eager he was, and how hard, and how long. “But the Red Queen and the Red King have swinging parties with other couples. He seems to have a lot of sex.”
    “Yes, on this side of the looking glass, everybody has sex with everybody. But the Red Queen believes all sex should be boring, and she’ll only allow the Red King to come during boring sex. Even the Jabbercock couldn’t turn on the Red Queen.”
    “I read a poem about it. In a book.”
    “Turning on the Red Queen?”
    Alice sighed and rolled her eyes. “No. The Jabbercocky.”
    “Did you like it?”
    “No. I thought the author was full of himself.”
    Humpty laughed, then began to recite:
Carroll’s lyrical endeavor,

Thinking made-up words were clever,

Read a hundred-plus years later,

Only prompts my inner hater.
    “You can say that again,” Alice said. “But please don’t. I hate poetry. Though I do wonder what that Jabbercock poem meant.”
    “You want I should explicate it for you?” Humpty asked. “Could have some relevance.”
    Alice sighed. “I suppose. Will it take long? I do have an orgy to get to.” And she had to admit, that even after the very many lovely experiences she’d had today, the thought of an orgy made her start to tingle all over again.
    “I’ll make it quick. Which, incidentally, is the line I use picking up women. Let’s go through it, stanza by stanza.”
    Alice winced, but nodded. Humpty began.
’Twas horcky in the HDO,

Beased so long they mersycried,

Empty was the bordello,

Tolerance had up and died.
    “Horcky means horny and unlucky,” Humpty said. “Beased is bound and teased. Mersycried is those who cry for mercy. A bordello is—”
    “I know what a bordello is,” Alice said.
    “Slut,” Humpty said, then continued.
Beware the Jabbercock, my girl!

The pole that jabs the secret patch!

Torment shall make her toesies curl,

She was so shunned, they bandersnatch.
    “So far, the poem is about being taken to the Hall of Denied Orgasms and being mercilessly teased by the Jappercocky,” Humpty explained.
    “What’s a bandersnatch?”
    “A woman was shunned and exiled from the kingdom. Get it?”
    “No.”
    “They banned her snatch.”
    Bandersnatch
. Alice rolled her eyes. The only thing worse than poetry was poetry with bad puns.
    “Shall I continue?” Humpty asked.
    “I really wish you wouldn’t, but I guess you should.”
    Humpty cleared his throat, spat, and went on.
A soul condemned to face the beast,

By missionench, so crimson mean,

But pleasure fiftyfold increased,

Made her then the Golden Queen.
    “A missionench is a wench who only allows the missionary position,” Humpty said.
    Alice nodded. “Crimson mean. That’s the Red Queen?”
    “That’s her.”
    “So who is the Golden Queen?”
    Humpty rolled his eyes. “I have no idea, blondie. I wonder who it could be? Insert sarcastic emoticon here.”
    “Excuse me?”
    “I’ll continue.”
The Jabbercock shall masturbate,

Poor Golden Queen with fiendish chode,

But she