Find You in the Dark

that. I love him so much.” I lamented, feeling the beginnings of a headache.
    “Love? Really? I'm not sure if that's a love I'd want to have, Maggie.” Rachel commented, shoving the rest of her pack of tissues towards me. I didn't respond to her statement. I didn't want to try and justify the relationship I had had with Clay. Because it would only sound needy and sad and would only further her argument.
    But I needed to get myself together. I needed to try and move past the heartache. I had to try and forget about the fact that no matter how much I hurt, I knew deep down that Clay was in his own personal hell. I wanted to save him so badly and that was an instinct that was hard to turn off.
    “Come on, lets get to class. And after school, I'll come back to your house. I bet you I can get your parents to let up on this ridiculous grounding of yours.” Rachel said confidently. I gave her a wobbly smile. “Thanks, guys. You really are the best.” I said quietly, feeling absolutely no energy. I had cried it all out.
    So, I made the decision to let go of Clayton Reed. But, he had become so deeply entrenched in my heart and my life that removing him was like removing a limb. How do you try and forget about someone you had loved like the other part of you?
    It helped that I never saw Clay anymore. It was like he had disappeared. Or died.
    My parents had finally agreed to end my stupid grounding. It probably helped that the reason for my punishment was no longer in the picture. I knew Rachel had talked to my mom about what was going on between Clay and me. Because the frosty climate in my house thawed considerably.
    I tried to be happy with the renewal of the relationship I had with my parents. They stopped looking at me like I was a mutant that had taken over their precious daughter's body. And I really worked on overcoming the urge to curl up into a ball and stay that way. I forced myself to do my homework. I made myself go out with Rachel and Daniel after school, though I refused to step foot into Bubble's when Rachel suggested a banana split. Every time I drove by the place, I thought I would throw up.
    I found myself fighting the need to call Clay. Even though two weeks had passed since we had broken up, it did nothing to deaden the pain. I wanted to see him so badly that I finally made Rachel erase his number from my phone.
    Because the heartbreaking truth was if Clay wanted to see me, he would have. The fact that he had made zero effort confirmed all of my deepest fears. That he didn't love me as much as he said he did. Otherwise, how could he stay away from me like this?
    Then there were the days I worried something had happened to him. What if he had hurt himself? I would have to talk myself off the ledge of a full blown freak out by convincing myself that Ruby or Lisa would have notified me if that had happened. Despite the fact that Clay had cut me out of his life completely, they had to know that I would want to know.
    Okay, so I eventually caved and drove by Clay's house one Friday. I just wanted to make sure he was all right. I was relieved when I saw Clay's car in the driveway as well as the fact it was the only one there. He must be home alone.
    I slowed down as I passed by, my eyes flickering up to his window on the second floor. Of course I couldn't see anything, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering what he was doing. I had to push aside the scary thoughts of him cutting himself or worse.
    I had put my pedal down on the accelerator and drove away as fast as I could.
    And I had thought that was it. I had decided from that point on that I needed to put Clay and our destructive relationship behind me. I felt firm in my resolve.
    And then it all crumbled around me.

Chapter Twenty

    The days all started to blur together. The pre-Clay boredom came back with a numbing quickness. My old routines started all over again and the excitement to begin my day every morning had dwindled into non-existence.
    I tried not to think about him. But it was hard. Everything seemed to carry with it a memory of our time together. We hadn't been a couple for long. The time from when I had met Clay Reed until the moment of our separation was a blip in the grand scheme of my life. Or at least I tried to tell myself.
    But the truth was he had bulldozed his way into my life and there was no going back. Though I had worked hard to convince myself that ending things with him-(okay, so I didn't have much say in any of that,