Find You in the Dark

trying to push me away in some bizarre test of my devotion. Because you will push me away, Clay. For good next time.” I threatened. Clay hung his head in shame. “I know. I am so, so sorry. I can't tell you how much.” He whispered as his own tears fell. I was upset. That rigid part of myself didn't want to let this go. I was afraid that if I did, it would be opening a door I couldn't shut.
    But as I watched my poor, broken boy cry over hurting me, I felt incredibly torn. I wanted to forgive him in the worst way possible. But I wasn't sure I should.
    I gently shoved Clay's shoulders, so that he looked up at me. “Don't you see how messed up this is, Clay?” He frowned at me. “I know what I did was wrong. I hate myself for it.” He said, trying to grab my hand.
    I pulled back and refused to let him hold me. “But what if this becomes, I don't know...a pattern or something. How you behaved earlier was nuts. I don't have time for your mind fucks.” I said harshly, wanting to make my position on this clear.
    Clay nodded. “I know that. It was so stupid. I can't excuse my behavior. I have this horrible way of taking my insecure bullshit out on the people I love the most.” Clay pushed his hair out of his eyes and looked at me intensely. My stomach flipped over as it always did when he looked at me like that. Like I was the center of his universe.
    “And I love you more than anyone. Which means you are the one person I shouldn't be treating like that. But I've told you, I'm insecure, Maggie. Ridiculously insecure.” He admitted. “You're gorgeous, Clay. You could have anyone you wanted. You have nothing to be insecure about.” I scoffed, though I knew why he felt the way he did. His mental health issues made it hard for him to see things as they really were. He lived in this dark world where he had nothing to give anyone but pain. I tried so hard to change the way he saw himself. But I didn't think I could ever do enough.
    Clay laughed in a humorless way. “I'm a mess. You know better than anyone everything I've done. I try so hard to change. To make sure that guy never shows himself again. But the struggle is really hard sometimes. And then I meet you. And I feel stuff that I've never felt before. Things that I never thought I would be lucky enough to experience. And I feel so out of control in the way I am with you. Like I'm stripped bare and for once someone sees everything inside of me...the good and the really, really ugly.” He sounded so vulnerable. I wanted to hug him but I wasn't sure I could bridge the gap just yet.
    “I'm scared that the ugly will scare you away. Because I know I'm high maintenance. That I can't get a handle on the crazy, conflicting shit going on inside of me.” He took a deep breath. “But Maggie, I want to try. And I AM trying. But there are times that I'm reminded of why you are so much better off without me. Seeing you with that guy Jake, Daniel, or any other guy kills me. Because each and everyone of them can give you something I can't. Normal.” I started to protest the idiocy of that, but he held up his hand.
    “I know that there is absolutely nothing going on with you and Daniel, or you and Jake or you and the fucking mailman. What I'm trying to say, is who it was is inconsequential. It's the fact that it could be anyone. That any other guy out there would be a hell of a lot better for you than me.”
    His eyes were bleak as he looked away from me. His self- esteem was ridiculous. How could he not see himself the way I did? How could he not understand how full he made my life by just being in it? Sure, what we had was hard and complicated, but it was also passionate and amazing. There would never be anyone in my life that affected me the way he did. I was sure of it.
    The thing was, I was petrified that the bad was starting to outweigh the good. What would we be left with when I could no longer make Clay see everything that was wonderful about him and what we had? What happened then? And, just like that my anger withered away until it was replaced with only sadness.
    And that was way harder to stomach.
    “I don't know what to say. I don't want you to feel that way. I love you. So freaking much. But I can't make you feel better about yourself, about us. Because that's entirely on you.” I lifted my hands in tired defeat.
    Clay hung his head. “I'm really trying.” He said softly. Sure, it was messed up and there was no way I'd forget about what he had done,