Ghost Time

cry. I don’t even know what happened, but I got so angry, I walked back to the dressing room and took it off. The dress, the shoes, I took them off, put them back on the hanger, and I walked out. Cam didn’t see me until the door opened, because it buzzed, and Cam caught up with me, outside, but I didn’t speak to him the rest of the day. I didn’t say anything the whole ride home, on Amtrak, and he kept saying he didn’t understand what happened or why I was so angry, and I go, I don’t know, Cam, why don’t you ask your little blonde girlfriend? He started laughing, like it was a joke, and that just made me angrier, and then he told me I was completely overreacting. And then that just made me that much angrier, you know?
    He was right, but I couldn’t say it. Not just the fact that I wasjealous, and I saw red, seeing him with this girl. The fact that I was so scared he’d leave me. That he didn’t really love me. That I’d be alone. Everything, all of it, and all at once, something in me snapped, and I couldn’t stop it. I told him: Don’t talk to me right now. So for three hours, we didn’t say a word. Not even when we got to my house, and I got out, and he got out, like he was going to follow me inside, and then I said, I told you, please leave me alone, Cam, and he stopped. It was only nine when I walked in, and Mom was on the couch, watching TV, and she goes, Did you have a good time? Tell me all about it, and I was just burning, in my chest, this sour, awful, teary burning, and I shook my head no. I said, New York sucks, and I went to my room and shut the door.
    She knocked an hour later, when Ray showed up, and I said, Leave me alone, and she opened the door, and she said, Fine, but Ray says Cam’s outside, and I felt it right in my chest, thinking about Cam sitting there, but I looked away. He’s been outside since he dropped you off, she said, and I didn’t say anything. She goes, So do you want to invite him in or should I? I stared at the wall, and then I go, Neither. Thea, she said, giving me that voice that told me I was about to get in trouble, and I go, What? Mom said, Come here, and she opened the door for me to follow her.
    I walked to the living room, and then she opened the curtain so I could see outside, and there he was, in his car. Cam had been sitting out there, in the freezing cold, for more than an hour. Go, my mom said, so I grabbed my coat, and walked to the parking lot. I opened the door, and I got in his car, and it was freezing. I could see my own breath. I didn’t know what to say, so I said, Areyou hungry? And he said, Always, and I go, Ray brought pizza, if you want, and Cam nodded. He goes, Ray invited me, before he went inside. Are you still angry? he asked, and I nodded. He goes, We were talking about you, you know, and I said, No, I don’t know, Cam. And he said, I’m telling you the truth, and I said, Great. Thanks. He nodded and sighed, then he goes, Are you going to speak to me again? I said, I’m speaking to you now, and he goes, No, you’re not. You’re yelling in a calm voice, he said, and I laughed, because he was right.
    Why did you stay? I said, trying not to smile. Because I wanted to tell you something, he said, and I said, So. Tell me. Then he said, Look at me, and I looked at him, then I looked away. You aren’t looking at me, and it’s important, he said, so I turned to look at him, and then he said it. For the first time, Cam said it out loud: I love you, he said. He took my hand, and I couldn’t say anything. He goes, Did you hear me? I nodded yes, but still, all I could do was stare straight ahead, while my eyes started tearing up. Then, smart-ass, he goes, Thea, do you have something you want to say to me? I nodded and I go, No. He laughed, slapping me, he goes, You are a terrible liar, and I go, Takes one to know one, and Cam goes, I’ve never lied to you, and I never will. All I could do was bite my tongue, because I knew what he was saying. He was talking about my dad, about how I could trust him, he’d never hurt me like that.
    I couldn’t say it then. Not even then, but I leaned over, putting my head on his lap, and I lay there, letting him smooth back my hair while I tried to figure it out in my head, trying to untie all the knots in my heart, one by one.

FRIDAY, MAY 13, 2011
    (SIX WEEKS LATER)
    4:36 PM
    It’s a kind of falling in love, having a new best friend. I mean, things like how you can’t get enough of them. Like