Ghost Time

intimacy, not caught in the act, but caught in the heart. Who we really were, no cameras, no videos, no viewers, no one but us in the entire world. And we were happy, goddamnit. I didn’t realize I was touching the screen, touching our faces, like he was right there.
    I have no idea who else saw that video, I didn’t even look to check the numbers; it must have been a lot of hits, because the resolution was so clear, so lifelike, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the sign—that video was a sign from Cam that it was only a bad dream, to remember what was real, that he knew I was struggling. He was telling me to hold on, because I’m not alone. Yes and no, I said, staring at the screen: yes and no.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 22, 2011
    (TEN WEEKS EARLIER)
    4:56 PM
    Cam’s birthday is in January, and it was his golden birthday; he turned eighteen on January 18. So Karen made this fancy dinner, and a big cake, and we celebrated with her, of course, but then we had our own celebration, just the two of us. Because I’d been saving up since Christmas, and I surprised Cam with two tickets, and we went down to New York for a day, like a day trip.
    It wasn’t on his birthday, it was the weekend after, but we left early Saturday morning and drove to Hudson, then we took the train down, and we got to Penn Station just before noon. I wanted to go downtown, go see some galleries, go shopping, and I left all the directions to Cam, of course. We had so much fun, too. We ate noodles at this place near St. Mark’s, and we took pictures of ourselves in front of the Joe Strummer mural by Tompkins Square Park. Honestly, we just asked this guy on the street to take it for us, but it’s one of the best pictures we have.Kicking up my heel, Cam’s kissing the side of my face, so strong, hugging me. Makes me so happy, every time I look at it. Anyhow, we went window-shopping. I felt like we walked twenty miles that day, and then we went to this store I’d been reading about for ages, that’s supposed to be like the coolest store in New York. I was so excited, because I’d been dreaming about that moment for a whole year, but when we walked in, it was a little intimidating. Place was way too cool for school, and none of the salespeople paid us any attention, so whatever.
    Looking at the clothes, I pulled out this leather dress, showing it to Cam, and I was just like, Isn’t this to die ? Seriously, how can anything be so beautiful? And Cam pulled out the tag, and he goes, How can anything be so expensive? And I was just like, Philistine, and I put it back on the rack. Then Cam goes: What are you doing, Thee? Try it on, and I shook my head no, and he goes, Thee, we came all this way to see this store, and you aren’t even going to try on a single dress? Who’s the Philistine? And before I could say anything, he goes, You want to get me something for my birthday or not? I said, I can’t afford anything here, and he goes, No, you can’t. That’s not what I want for my birthday, right? Well, I want you to try on that dress, he said. My mouth fell open, because I felt so embarrassed for some reason, and he says, You asked what I wanted…. And I did, too.
    So I went to the counter and asked if I could try it on. I don’t know why I was so scared to ask, but anyhow, the sales guy walked me to the back and opened up one of the dressing rooms for me, and I just stood in the room, holding this long-sleeve black leather dress up, then there was a knock. I go, Yes? It wasCam, and he goes You’ll need these, and I opened the door, and he handed me these pony-skin heels that were so gorgeous I died a thousand deaths.
    Well, I managed to get the dress on, and it was so tight, all the way to my knees, and then I put the high heels on, and they fit perfectly. I really thought I’d gone to black leather dress heaven, and I walked out, looking for Cam, like, Where are you? Then I saw him talking to this salesgirl at the counter, and she was laughing at something he said. He didn’t even notice me, standing there—he’s totally flirting with her, or she’s flirting with him, same fucking difference. She’s tall and has this platinum blonde hair to her waist and she’s like superskinny and I could hear her say something with this stupid cockney accent and leather hot pants and black tights, and I was just like, Whatever.
    I felt so dumb, too, like some little girl playing little-rich-girl dress up, and all of a sudden, I wanted to